life is worthless, make it priceless

2010-11-23T01:38:00.001+08:00

i dont want to see you sad...dont want to see you cry...dont wanna lose you...dont wanna see you leave...i love you...

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2010-10-04T03:17:00.002+08:00

remember when i posted about my best friends...?well, maybe i didnt mention the are my best friends..but they are...

who am i kidding rite now...?im falling for someone...who i never even go for a date with...hahaahaha..its just so scary when i try to talk to her...what if she doesnt feel comfortable...?what if she doesnt give good responds...??hahahaha...what if i have fucked up the whole day of our first ever day out although it was with some friends...?hahaha..

in times like this...i miss them the most...i cant be calm...i cant chill...i cant relax...but i remembered...i havent heard his voice for months...yes, i met one of my best friends in singapore couple of weeks a go...

we talked..and think...no matter how far we go...how long we dont meet...how bad our lives are gonna be...how bad our relationships are...we will always come back to one same place...our friends...

i can bet that i am one of so many few people in this world who have 16 years old friendship...i have known dennis for like i was 3...so it makes 16 years old...i have known adit, marco and robby for over 10 years...13 perhaps...

so know them for so long...so close...we let down each other...we bring up each other...EVERY SINGLE TIME...

yeah...dont say that childhood friends and true friends do not exist...if you say so, i have those kind of friends...

they are me, i am them...without even say anything, we already know whats inside our heads...we are just too awesome...

NOW..beat the if you can...many of people think they know me...some who already i added to my list of best friends...for those who think they know me...think back...

none of you can compare them...they are just too good to be true...but even if people say things that are too good are not even actually good...these guys i have right now...oh damn they are so true...

i dont like when people say they are my best friends...well, you are my friends..you are close friends to me...but, i already have my sworn brothers to the day our breaths leave us....

2010-10-02T00:27:00.001+08:00

Who said being a goalkeeper is fun..?that you dont need to run and waste your breath...personally,i think keeper is the hardest position...sure,the most important is both regista and fantasista...the playmaker and the gamemaker...well those are same,except that fantasista is the one who takes your breath when regista has to know how to use a fantasista...

But,being a keeper...you have to have strongest mentality...are not afraid of anything...and the last defence...you have to shout,give orders to your defenders..and jump,fly is necessary to save your goal post...being a field player,you are gonna be tired...being a keeper,you are gonna be exhausted...not much people wanna be goalkeepers coz they prefer scoring goals...but hei..!if you dont defence well,you'll lose...

I play keeper again now..and its the most fun position...you are the director from.behind...you provide safety to your teammates...and it takes my breath whe..i play keeper and so can i take yours when play...

You can win a match with good offensive force...but you can win everything if you have unbreakable defensive line...

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2010-09-26T16:17:00.001+08:00

they really look alike...when she nodds,she really looks like that girl...i dont have the courage...to ask for her number...damn...what has it taken from me...??not even one bit of courage to ask...what on earth is going on with me...???

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2010-09-26T00:27:00.002+08:00

note : this is me talking to other me

me 1 : they look alike..
me 2 : no they dont..
me 1 : yes they do...the eyes are the same...almost the same smile..
me 2 : yeah, but she is not her..
me 3 : they may look alike..but you take a good look again and you'll notice...they have nothing in common...
me 2 : yeah, exactly...so you can go after her without any problem...
me 3 : and who knows..you are gonna end up better and better...
me 1 : but, if i chase her..and thinking about the past..with the thoughts of they look alike..its wrong..
me 3 : yeah, it is..but remember..we dont think they do look alike...
me 1 : but..
me 2 : aih..to many buts in your head...
me 1 : i am you..
me 2 : yeah...but come on...summon your courage and go for her...
me 3 : yeah..dont make yourself wait too long...
me 2 : take your time though...and everything will be alright...
me 1 : well then..maybe you are correct...
me 2 & 3 : and remember...they dont look alike..at all...

hate is a strong word...but i really really really DO HATE YOU...

2010-09-05T20:44:00.002+08:00

after a complete emo post...well.lets move to another post...hatred perhaps...??hahaha...we composed a song full of hatred last year...yeah...the song is fantastic...just the screamo is too little...hahaha...and..i wrote lyrics bout hatred again...hahaha...it was kinda hard to write it...

well...hatred...isnt a bad thing...of course,hate is a strong word...but, hate someone with passion...if you really dont like someone...just hate...i hate one person...and its a he...hahaha...

dont hold your hatred...not good for your health...hahahaha...so, just let it out..hate..hate...and hate...but hate with right steps...hahaha...

dont hold yourself to hate...just let your hatred out...

2010-08-27T04:16:00.002+08:00

i have no idea what is the point of this post...haha...well, i guess i just like to type...i think this one could be a long post...nyeh..

yeah...not much of people reading this blog anymore...so i had no reason to put it private..i want my blog to be read anyways...

well..my blog is full of the stories of my love life..tragic..sad...full of drama...what else...?insane...?hahaha...maybe not...

ok..i read a book..its by an indonesian author..he is a comedian in his previous books..the latest, he put his love stories in funny way...one chapter was about unrequited love...
as quoted from the book : nothing takes out the taste of peanut butter quite like unrequited love...taken from a story of charlie brown according to the author...

so yeah, i believe everyone has their own unrequited love...

and i have one...i dont know whether i will call her my unrequited love or not...we were in love...she couldnt make up her mind...in the end, she chose someone who was her own ex...

it is hard...to lose the girl you truly love...it is hard to watch her love fading away...it is hard to see her with someone other than yourself...i thought my love stories arent the worst...seeing my friends going through these kind of stuffs...but then, yeah...i have the worst in the end...hahahaha...

i know she appreciates everything i have done...yeah, i know...
some just dont like i get my happiness...some...just stand in my way...i lifted myself over and over again...but it seems, theres no end in this...

im losing my way...i cant hope anymore...may be for this mean time...
i'll be on my way soon though, i know it...

my whole life, almost 19 years...been put through some tragic scenes...
im trying to make my life priceless...a life than even the happiest man on earth will envy me...its just hard...

the only girl i love is happy with someone...
well, yeah...at least shes smiling rite now...

theres only one thing...repeat one thing, that can beat the feeling of watching your loved one smiling...and that is, you know and you witness...that the one who actually makes her laughing, smiling and having no burden is you yourself...nothing beats that feeling, when you know she is smiling because you make her to...you are the one...

i felt that...and its just..aah..cant explain that in words...

i sat on a shore of a lake few days back...it was around 4 a.m...and the moon was bright...and i thought...i love her...

and she doesnt...not anymore...

i dont point finger on people...other than myself...

its just hard...

knowing shes happy without me...living her life happily without me...
knowing that its almost impossible for her to love me back...knowing that fate doesnt allow we be together...

hard...hard...and hard...
i envy my dad...to get the woman he loves...and that woman loves him too...
i envy my dad for getting my mom...

i dont know...is it wrong to love her...?or why fate doesnt put us together...?

i envy romeo and juliet..who got to be together although they are just fiction characters...and although they got together after they died...

aah...it wouldnt be called life if its not hard...

the good part...shes happy...shes smiling...though it hurts to watch it is not me who makes her happy...

no one will read this post though...not even her...there is no reason for her to read...

well...at least until now, im not being hypocrite...i let her go and happy when shes smiling...im doing that...

loving her was tiring...but i guess..for her..loving me is more tiring...and she couldnt love me more than she did...its not her fault...

being a scorpio...you will expect things beyond sanity...your pride is the highest among other zodiacs...you are the darkest...you are mean...you can be cruel...you are simple yet complex person...i salute girl who can love me...

and you like to avenge yourself...

my stories of life...especially my love stories...

they are hard ones...

beats all those drama movies...

girl...loving a psycho like me is tough...and you did it well...you are happy rite now...it is enough...

stay happy like you are rite now...and dont lose those eye bags...they make you pretty...=D

2010-08-22T05:35:00.002+08:00

Hei girl...i love you...you are my unrequited love...and some day..if fate allows...we'll be together again...more than we were...hahahahaha

I love you...but i cant fully trust you...although i said i need you in my life..hahaha...
lets just hope..both of us will be bttr next time...hahaha...

I just hope..if we really come back like before..you,in the mean time,will find someone...

But,let me tell you...im the best for you...the one who will always make you laugh...full of happiness...and the one who will take care of you...and the one who will always sacrifice his entire life for you...hahahaha....arrogant, stupid or watever you wanna say i may be...but, i love you...hahaha...

You nvr fight for me...its your nature...and i dont know why,i have a reliable and strong reason to think that you will nvr fight for me...so prove me wrong, though i dont hope much...

KOMANDO GOT THEIR FIRST CUP

2010-07-31T23:20:00.002+08:00

quick review...i didnt play this time...hehe..matters not..i was pointed as a sudden manager...how it went...?we got 3rd place...hahaha..

now..this is what i call adrenalin rush...whether i play or not..whether i was just giving instructions...it was a damn f*cking heart pumping moments...hahaha...

scored 16 goals, conceded 8 goals, 3 yellow cards, 2 clean sheets...AND 1 CUP...hahahaha...the only pain was when we lost in semifinal...hmm...losing, watching your team losing, watching your opponents celebrating in front of you...those are just painful...

but, thats alrite...hehehe...we at least fought till the end...hahahaha...

I LOVE BREATH TAKING MOMENTS...

2010-07-21T03:13:00.002+08:00

lets see...what im gonna say in this post...since i know theres not much of ppl reading this...hahaha...basically we blog bout our life...yeah, i blog bout songs and lyrics i wrote smtms..nyehehe...

my days arent so challenging these days...aah..i wish smthg with adrenalin rush comes...its kinda boring, although ppl around me will see im so excited...but, tell you the truth, its the most boring period i ever have...hahaha...

yeah, i cant ask for anything rite now other than thanking God...and wishing, pls give me fun life,even if it has troubles and problems...hahaha..

one more thing, my fren told me he went to see psychologist...and i feel like i want to see psychologist too...i dunno whether i have problems or not...but it seems fun, mb me and the psychologist will have good time as we chit-chatting...hahaha...

2010-07-03T12:48:00.002+08:00

my holiday so far...been thinking about the other half...kind of in a dilemma rite now...even until now...lucky exam is long over...

funny thoughts occur sometimes, i think its better to be a player...nyahahaa...but then one day i woke up in the morning...i thought,'i can have all the girls..but whats the point when i wake up and i feel hollow inside...'hahaha...
yeah, im kinda in transition period rite now...thinking what should i do over the other half...but, honestly..i feel more freedom...though sometimes seeing frens with their own other halves kinda makes me envious...hahahaha...

another funny thought,'if i cant have the girl i want, then no one can have me...'hahaha...thinking a lot, i have been...haha..not like other boys who was hurt and be gays ( note : i am NOT gay ), i thought its better to be player..haha..like i mentioned before...

yeah, now i try not to think so much about other half...i just want to be with the one im comfortable with and both of us we'll see where things would go...sounds familiar...??it does, but last time was different, she had another one...hahahaha...though i dont know whether this one has another or not, i am putting myself in what you call 'a safety zone'...hahaha...

one more thing, the following post i have wanted to post it quite a long time ago...

i lost my last grandpa...

death is familiar with my family...about 10 years ago, my auntie passed on...
6 years ago, my grandpa was gone...and 3 years ago, my grandma also passed on...and bout 2 weeks ago, i lost another grandpa...these ppl who left us, i was quite close with them, especially with my grandma...she was the one who said that i'll go to malaysia no matter waht, even if she had to pay...yeah, that time i wanted to study here so bad but coz of smthg personal in my school, my mom got angry and said im not goin anywhere, then my grandma came and said that...

losing family member is always hard...whether you are close or not, it is hard...
and some more, they didnt get the chance to see me success...all im gonna say from now on when im praying for them in their graves is this...

'watch us from there, and take care of us...and watch me beat this world...'

i have more burden to be a-world-known person...the burden i chose to bear...my passion, ambition and my crazy dream....grandpas, grandma...watch me beat this world from there....

2010-06-28T16:58:00.002+08:00

you know what pisses off the most...??you get blamed for something you didnt do...it is the same as what hurts the most...get accused for something you completely didnt know anything about....you know whats gonna happen next...???people who accuse you, blame you and some maybe hate you, will laugh and be happy when you are down...

and you know what the best thing to do after that...???what is the funnest and the most exciting to do after that...??plotting a revenge...fill yourself with hatred...avenge yourself...befriend with vengeance....and after that, you know that you can get more of that...??when all your plan is successfully completed, your revenge mission is accomplished...nothing beats that feeling...watching whose who cause your misery burn...

even when you cant get your revenge against those who hurt you when you didnt do anything, knowing and seeing them get hurt in the future arent that bad...you will look down at them...you will see them as pests...not worth our attention...

im gonna put myself on that level...if i get hurt, i wont ask for payback...but, i'll do even more than just payback...i would give the scars and wound that they wont even be able to cure it...such as low level of accusing people, i'll make their lives full of misery...and we meet again in hell, even when im tortured in hell, i'll try to hurt them...

you know, when it comes to payback and revenge, nobody beats the losers...

2010-06-20T02:34:00.000+08:00

good bye, grandpa...RIP
i'll see you again someday...

2010-06-18T12:21:00.002+08:00

hahahaha...i know everyone's family has its own problem...haha...but i think mine is funny...hahaha..cant stop laughing, man...oh my God...ROTFLMAO....HAHAHA..

adults oh adults...sometimes i think we teenagers are way better than you are...hahaha...and that sometimes is now...=P

haha...i know in the momment like this i should be sad...but i cant...HAHAHA...its just funny...perhaps later im gonna talk to my uncle and mock him, not to disrespect, but to have fun, he doesnt always see his nephew around...hohohohohohoho....

every family has problem...but my family's is just too funny to be problem...HAHAHA...my God, im laughing to tears now...hahahahaa...

sorry, she's not you - withoutch

2010-06-08T23:21:00.003+08:00

your love is fragile, scattered by selfishness
your love wasnt pure, hidden under dirt of lies

all this long wishing for you to be mine
all this long my heart pierced in countless time

head was covered by fog, from your beauty
head realized your poison, whats inside you

lies told, sweet talks covered it
lies told, truth revealed by itself

and all i needed from you was your love
nothing more than just a love, a pure
a proof that you really meant you loved me
you didnt fight for me as i fought for you

it hurt when you are with him, even more
when you said you dont love him
try to get over you, just wanna forget you
i finally know, you are not worth my love

you dont deserve me, because i dont deserve
you as my love. all i deserve is someone who
is better than you, better than you are
when things get cleared more than it should

this is not me forgiving you
this is not me understanding
this is me taking what i need
this is me leaving you
sorry, there is no more love left for us to share

PS : this is the song i composed for edwin. he asked me to write screamo emo song but looks strong...this is what i can do..first, this is for someone in indonesia..but i guess now this is for you and her...both of you, next girl with me is not both of you...

2010-06-03T19:35:00.002+08:00

what would you do if you have time machine...?go back to past...?change everything...i dont think that will do...it was destined to happen, no matter how hard you try, sam thing will happen to you...it is just in different ways...go to the future...?then what the fuck for you live...?after you see all you future, then you will just be happy or your curiosity is just satisfied, and then wheres the fun of being lived then...?hmm...

if i had a time machine...i will keep it and use it for fun...after all, im a fan of history...i would go back and watch what really happened back then...histories are mistery...

2010-06-01T02:31:00.001+08:00

do i have face problem...?does my face say...,'hi..im karel...a replacement boyfriend..can come anytime you want and hurt me as you like...'

HAHAHAHAHAHAHA.....!!

2010-05-30T23:12:00.004+08:00

damn...do i look like some girls's replacement boyfriend...?
im sickened with all these stuffs...why do some girls have this attitude

last year, a girl said to me she loved me but she cant accept me coz im in malaysia...when i came back to see her...why would she ask her ex that whether they can be couple back or not...?what the fuck on earth that was that supposed to mean...?why would you say you love me when you still love your ex...?why would you tell ppl that you love me...?

second sem until last month, another girl that i really love told me she loved me but we cant be together ( again cant be together )...i said i would wait...i waited...till i saw something that made my killing intention rose...you shouldnt do that if you said you love me...i dont know how many lies you didnt tell me from the beginning...if he cant be good enuf for you...dont make me your 'his other side which is perfect '....you left and you said your feeling for me is lost...i wonder did you even really love me...?i cant tell one thing you did to make me stay other than your tears...

AND NOW...another girl just broke up with her BF...we had a drank, she got drunk and hugged me...even after i released the hug, she still tried to hug me...fine...maybe she was drunk that i had to take care of her...but ytd, she acted a lil bit aggresive...

do i really look like some boy you girls can play with...?FUCK man...i wont cry for you...my tears are much more worth for better girl...you can look back now and regret one day why you let me go...

i dont know what im supposed to feel now...the feeling is just the same...piercing my heart more than once or twice or three times or four times...sigh...im no one's replacement...if a boy leaves you...dont find other person to be his replacement...if hes not good enuf, dont make us other boys to be his replacement...you know, i cant cry even i actually want to...

im facing it with my friends's support...no matter ppl think they are bad...whether in indonesia or here...whether they smoke, drink some take drugs...i dont care...they at least support me...they put aside their dota games for me...they stayed up late listen to my story...i dont care even to what my parents said about them...they are better than you who played with my feeling...

you know it hurts...imagine if it happens to you...

what hurts th most - rascal flatt

2010-05-30T13:49:00.002+08:00

I can take the rain on the roof of this empty house
That don't bother me
I can take a few tears now and then and just let them out
I'm not afraid to cry every once in a while
Even though going on with you gone still upsets me
There are days every now and again I pretend I'm ok
But that's not what gets me

What hurts the most
Was being so close
And having so much to say
And watching you walk away
And never knowing
What could have been
And not seeing that loving you
Is what I was tryin' to do

It's hard to deal with the pain of losing you everywhere I go
But I'm doin' It
It's hard to force that smile when I see our old friends and I'm alone
Still Harder
Getting up, getting dressed, livin' with this regret
But I know if I could do it over
I would trade give away all the words that I saved in my heart
That I left unspoken

What hurts the most
Is being so close
And having so much to say
And watching you walk away
And never knowing
What could have been
And not seeing that loving you
Is what I was trying to do

What hurts the most
Is being so close
And having so much to say
And watching you walk away
And never knowing
What could have been
And not seeing that loving you
Is what I was trying to do

Not seeing that loving you
That's what I was trying to do
Ooohhh....

PS : dont be too late to tell someone you love...

2010-05-30T03:38:00.002+08:00

girls...if you love us boys...dont play with your feelings...
i've seen my friend's feeling being played with his girlfriend...she likes other boy...i know his feeling coz i've been thru it...a girl said she loves me when she couldnt commit to me...
our love is pure...from our heart, it doesnt matter if girls we love have bad attitude,we love you...ME FUCKING MEAN IT...i dont know why some girls play with our feeling...

some girls just dont know how much we boys love them...some girls just cant feel it...some girls JUST WANT TO PLAY WITH OUR FEELINGS...some girls are just bitches...(not particularly...bitch here means not worth for us, we deserve way better girls if we are not assholes...and obviously, we are not assholes...)

2010-05-28T16:06:00.004+08:00

mama always said that im too arrogant after being good in one thing...hahaha...true, elementary...who didnt know Karel DK...hahaha...showing off....junior high school, again...who was the legend of the school...?Karel DK...hahaha...senior high school, who skipped school the most in 2 years...Edwin Rachmawan...HAHAHA...i was number 2...HAHAHA...can be proud sumore...HAHAHA...but, yeah....in sri kl, ppl call me gianluigi buffon, italy national team's keeper...hahaha...but the thing is i wanna run...

ok, now...i have fucked up last exam...but not now...finished half, mateys....HAHAHA...and if i dont get A for maths AS, i'll jump from 19th floor...no la...joking...HAHHAA...cant die now, many dreams to make them come true...

but, this week is a bloody tiring and exhausting...but oi..!!i survived...hahaha...there are only 2 students who retook all the subjects, i am one of the students...and i survived...YEAH...!!HAHAHA...7 more papers...just seven more...then get into good uni somewhere in aussie...and then master in Germany...and then PhD in europe or U.S....wow, i think too freaking long edy...hahaha...yeah, its my long term planning...

wont get married before i achieve smthg, but finding girlfriend - which is a tiring work also i must admit-...hahahahahahahahahahahahaha......

one last thing, watch me...because im gonna take your breaths away with me...hahaha...

2010-05-28T14:57:00.002+08:00

Girl when you hold me
How you control me
You bend and you fold me
Any way you please

It must be easy for you
To love the things that you do
But just a pastime for you
I could never be

And I never know girl
If I should stay or go
Cos the games that you play
Are driving me away...

Don't love me for fun girl
Let me be the one girl
Love Me For a Reason
Let the reason be love
Don't love me for fun, girl
Let me be the one, girl
Love Me For a Reason
Let the reason be love

Kisses and caresses
Are only minor tests, babe
Of love turned to stresses
Between a woman and a man
So if love everlasting
Isn't what you're asking
I'll have to pass, girl
I'm proud to take a stand

I can't continue guessing
Because it's only messing
With my pride, and my mind
So write down this time to time

Don't love me for fun, girl
Let me be the one, girl
Love Me For a Reason
Let the reason be love
Don't love me for fun, girl
Let me be the one, girl
Love Me For a Reason
Let the reason be love

I'm just a little old-fashioned
It takes more than a physical attraction
My initial reaction is
Honey give me a love
Not a fascimile of

Don't love me for fun, girl
Let me be the one, girl
Love Me For a Reason
Let the reason be love
Don't love me for fun, girl
Let me be the one, girl
Love Me For a Reason
Let the reason be love

2010-05-21T03:18:00.002+08:00

i thank God and Jesus for tonight...its been an awesome night though it was tiring...hahaha...well, i know my team is the weakest among our 3 teams, but hei..!we are the host, we cant be embarrassed in our own tournament...and though my performance these days is just standard...i am the captain of the team...HAHAHA...thank you, Lord...i know you all wont expect much from us, but tell you smthg, im the captain...i'll make my team win, if we lose, we'll lose with honor and dignity...its our pride that we have to keep it high...hahaha...

and another god news, i got a date for prom...hehehe...i thank amanda for finding one, shes her god sister i guess...we met couple of times...hahaha...

i guess even a bastard can have a good times...Jesus, Child of God...thank You...

2010-05-19T14:38:00.002+08:00

girl, i couldnt recognize you this morning when i came to DR 2...hahaha...and i didnt notice you in MPH, either...hahaha...so i guess, im starting to forget your face, how beauty you are...hahaha...and i dont know, guess im a bit glad with the situation...

hope this makes you happy, coz this is what you always wanted from me...you are now a blur in my mind, i dont even remember your face...not anymore...

i will find another you, but...sorry, shes not you...( promoting my song here...?could be...hahahahhaa....)

2010-05-14T23:32:00.002+08:00

the dark path of my family...i have stepped into it...hahaha...to beat that path i must get into it...mom, dad...sorry...but i will i beat it...cause im not dad nor my uncles...i am myself...i will overcome it with my own power and will...

but we must admit, it is a one damn good stuff...

hienie-kiss the rain

2010-05-11T00:59:00.002+08:00

Verse 1;
I often close my eyes
And I can see you smile
You reach out for my hand
And I'm woken from my dream
Although your heart is mine
Its hollow inside
I never had your love
And I never will

CHORUS;
And every night
I lie awake
Thinking maybe you love me
Like I've always loved you
But how can you love me
Like I loved you when
You can't even look me straight in my eyes

Verse 2/3;
I've never felt this way
To be so in love
To have someone there
Yet feel so alone
Aren't you supposed to be
The one to wipe my tears
The on to say that you would never leave

The waters calm and still
My reflection is there
I see you holding me
But then you disappear
All that is left of you
Is a memory
On that only, exists in my dreams

[CHORUS]

Verse 4;
I don't know what hurts you
But I can feel it too
And it just hurts so much
To know that I can't do a thing
And deep down in my heart
Somehow I just know
That no matter what
I'll always love you

PS : i dunno why i cried when im posting this...i dunno why...tears fell...
===================''''')))))))))))))))))

2010-05-09T21:40:00.002+08:00

BEH...!!!3 years i spent my secondary school years as a goalkeeper...1 year as a field-player...hahahahahaha...now the whole team asking me to be goalkeeper again...=,=

nobody wanna be a keeper...just coz i saved a miracle save last week ( its a gud 1 we have to admit, i flew to block the shot, showing off...=P ) doesnt mean i can be a gud keeper...hehehe...but nvm i still can be a gud one...more adrenaline rush for me, more exciting feelings...hahahhaa....

2010-05-08T18:16:00.002+08:00

this may sound gay...but dennis, im fucking missing you... i wanna talk to you man...this feeling i contain is too much, and talk to him is the last best way to calm me down...

2010-05-06T19:07:00.003+08:00

you know how fast time passes by...?cant tell it,can you...tmr is the last day of coll...

some part in my head say, forget it...other part say treasure it...either way, im gonna head for new life after this...

many beauty moments i have in PE 6.5
cant say it one by one...its just, after what happened to me since 3rd semester, i no longer know what to feel...i seem to have lost my happiness thru this semester...all i need, all i want, all i try to get...just vanished in front of my eyes...all i was fighting for...

but rite now, i dunno what to think, what to feel, what to find, what to do...i seem to have lost hope...=D

im a scorpio..i can stand all of these...i was born to triumph...and survive with all of these thing opposing me...every one, everything that is against me...im ready for you all...i dunno who or what the 'you' after this refers to...but whoever or whatever the 'you' im gonna say, let me just say it...

you had taken her away from me,just when i found her...and you are asking me to give more strength for her or just leave her like that...i used my heart more than my mind...you gave me choices...you offer things to me...

this one and half year, thru many things that happened...i have become stronger, harder, better and the more important ones, more ruthless and cruel...

for this 'you' im talking about...if there is a hell,i wish to see you there...

2010-05-04T22:10:00.002+08:00

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAAHHAHAHAHA.........
NICE LIFE YOU ARE HAVING KAREL...BEING AVOIDED, NICE...4 THUMBS UP...HAHAHAHA...BOLEH PERGI MATI....

anyways...things have been really not gud for me...i feel like i wanna burn this world, which i know i cant do that, though everyone of you must admit, this world deserves to be burnt...full of lies, man...

exam is coming, i canceled my date to prom, my frens just fought-a bloody one, i got bloods in my shirts..hahahhahaha-, i felt hurt, i have hurt a girl ( again ), im pissed, angry...i wanna get what i deserve, and its clearly not these things...if you know me very close, you would wonder why i got these...even my frens said i was born under the stars of unfortunate...hahaha...i think the joke has a point...or maybe im just being to nice to ppl, i put aside my prob when my frens have probs...

i sacrificed myself for someone who HAD ENUF WITH ME (if you are reading this girl, i wanna tell you, im not a thing that after you use you will throw away like that...)
obviously, im being too nice...lets say here clearly..IF YOU DONT LIKE ME, TELL STRAIGHT TO MY FACE, DONT STAB ME IN THE BACK...you wanna a fight, war i will give you...go ahead, hurt me as you all want, i dunno why it seems so nice...dont blame me when i avenge myself...IF YOU ASK ME WHAT I WANT, WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU WANT FROM ME...?THINK FIRST GIRL...ceh, people in this world can go die...God is being too nice...maybe a little harder prob in our lives will make us understand...

dont put your blame on someone YOU DONT EVEN KNOW....

felt hurt...?gud, coz i want you to feel it..its what i felt, but what i felt is just a way worse than you feel...jealous when im talking to another girl...?angry when im smoking...?BULLSHIT...!!im not your pet...what i felt is way worse...you are one damn selfish human being...immatured(like most of us)...your life is though, i was making it lighter, when its better where you put me...?IN A RUBBISH BIN...HAH...!hunny la, love me la, no matter how much you x me la, wish me all the best la...bloody fake...it was just a lie from you...dont want see me...?of coz la, who wanna see a junk in your life..rite..now instead of hunny, im a junk..nice thought...

i ask God why...i ask myself how...

2010-04-23T16:23:00.002+08:00

i've never seen anyone like that before...all i thought yesterday was this girl doesnt wanna lose him, at all...
i was sitting in my fren's bedroom...when suddenly my fren came in and shouted, she asked 3 of us to gather in the living room...after her, one of my fren and her BF who is oso my fren came in...she shouted to us, told us that she never tried to control my fren...

all i saw made me think, this girl shouted, cried and screamed like mad to make us understand that she nvr wanna break up wif him...and my fren, almost slap her if my other fren didnt stop him...she went out, crying...while 1 of my fren calming down him...3 of us were after her, we explained everything...she said that she nvr want this to happen...she left after that...

my fren, that was the first time i saw him crying, punched the wall and throw away everything...me and others quickly went out and looked for her...they love each other, we know that..

this morning though, they are happy again...he called her, saying sorry and stuffs, while she oso saying sorry and stuffs...

to think a girl would scream and cry for the one she loves, that is new for me...she would come to his house at 11 p.m alone in the dark while he made things clear that he didnt wanna see her...

i salute her...and now they are back together again...

hahahaha...

2010-04-19T19:08:00.002+08:00

i looked at our class picture yesterday...i saw our pictures together...*sigh*
i am struggling to forget you, though my frens are trying to make me date a girl...yes, im done with you...but i still am not over you...those pictures are the remained memories left...just give me strength to forget you...

girl, when you had enough, it was up to you...but rmbr this, all those times we had, never i had made you cry for my selfishness...never i had you hurt for something stupid...never i had hurt you for other girl...i even sacrificed a girl who was close to me for you...since you had enough, just let me tell you that i sacrificed many things for you...i made you cry when i left and when i said im gonna find other girl...and that, i said good bye to you...

and remember, all those times you cried, felt hurt and lonely...when you needed someone, was i not there for you...?i was, but i dont think i'll be...i dont know what is my flaw to you for this treatment...just think back, who was there for you when you kept complaining about life...

PS:another emo post...shyt...so sorry readers...

2010-04-12T11:55:00.002+08:00

start to give a damn about people who give damn about you...you were part of my life, and you still are, but i have a future and a plan, so far you are not in it...im done telling you to fight for me, im done trying, im done waiting...good bye is just as painful as it is, no matter you mean it or not...good byes are always painful...

im done with everything about you...

2010-04-10T20:27:00.003+08:00

spirit of vengeance...consumed by hatred, acting with revenge, addicted to death of hopes...i'll be the angel of vengeance, make the beast out of myself...give you what you deserve...this is justice...its not right nor wrong, its justice...and i will not fall against you...

geisha-jika cinta dia (if you love him)

2010-04-03T17:09:00.001+08:00

Terlampau sering kau buat air mataku
Tak pernah kau tahu dalamnya rasa cintaku
Tak banyak inginku jangan kau ulangi
Menyakiti aku sesuka kelakuanmu
Ku bukan manusia yang tidak berfikir
Berulang kali kau lakukan itu padaku

Jika cinta dia jujurlah padaku
Tinggalkan aku di sini tanpa senyumanmu
Jika cinta dia ku coba mengerti

Teramat sering kau membuat patah hatiku
Kau datang padanya tak pernah kutahu
Kau tinggalkan aku disaat ku butuhkanmu
Cinta tak begini selama ku tahu
Tetapi ku lemah karena cintaku padamu

Jika cinta dia jujurlah padaku
Tinggalkan aku disini tanpa senyumanmu
Jika cinta dia ku coba mengerti
Mungkin kau bukan cinta sejati di hidupku

2010-03-31T11:18:00.002+08:00

before its too late to realize
every moment with you that wont ice
for the pains we got through
and they'll be trying to part us

you are the sun on my rainy days
keep me warm with your love
you are the moon i stare every night
stay with me with you beauty

i dont recognize good byes
coz that wont happen to us
when they are against me
this feeling will beat them

2010-03-30T12:18:00.001+08:00

when they say true love doesnt end...its true...but our love will end, will it not...?or perhaps it already ended... =')

2010-03-27T22:17:00.000+08:00

My frens need me...I'll be there for them... :D
If and its only if, she still needs me...I'll be there for her, too..
I can't be selfish...asking them for help, when they have problems, I have to listen to be listened...
Or asking her for her attention...and her time..though I must admit, I bloody miss her...:)
My life consists not only me, fam,frens n other ppl fill my life wif me...
They are the ppl who make my days colorful in diff ways...
It will affect me, but I can't be selfish...

2010-03-24T15:35:00.002+08:00

wow man wow...once i stay away from you, boys started to approach you...tsk tsk tsk...the true colors are revealed now...tsk tsk tsk...ppl are happy when we are separated like this, are they not...?no one cares, no one asks what the f*ck happened, no one gives a damn...wow man wow...first question...are you happy...?second question...am i happy...?

you answer first question by yourself and tell me when you have time...second question, well i dont say im not happy but neither i say im happy...the truth is i am not happy...hahahaha...ppl are stepping on my happiness...they are happy when im sad..im not happy when they are sad...but if ppl are happy upon my sadness, thats weird..i didnt do anything bad to them...if they f*cked up by themselves, dont blame me...tsk tsk tsk...this world is so unbelievable...there are ppl who are happy on other's sadness...tsk tsk tsk...

you know, when im wif you...when we laugh together, it occured to me how he felt...yeap, a stupid thoughts bout how he doesnt get that chance much occured to me...and bloody hell, he blames me for his own mistake...tsk tsk tsk...ppl are so selfish, they only think for themselves. edwin said,'karel cant hate anyone...' and for God's sake...I WANNA HATE NOW...i dont deserve this...ppl are selfish, you, girl, are also selfish...and above all these...im the victim...tsk tsk tsk...

im waiting for the truth to be revealed...im kinda hoping its ugly, coz i want to give ppl what THEY DESERVE...my hatred...i prefer they who keep quite in class, they at least can laugh together wif me, and those who are busy body but willing to listen to me...other than, well you know, ppl who smile in front of me and stab me in the back...God, i wanna so torture them until they are paralyzed...

im the victim, honey, if you dont realize that...sometime i think, if its true, could it be that i was born under the star of unfortunate or bad luck...hahaha...i do this, im wrong...i do that, im wrong...then tell me whats right...i can be cruel but i cant hate anyone...im the victim here...

2010-03-23T12:16:00.002+08:00

the vengeful me is back...last time i seek for revenge, things turned not so good...i got my revenge, but i was consumed by that spirit of vengeance...although...i must say, people i hurt deserved what they got, and if you know, they are being nice to me now...

its not about what is good or what is bad...its about what is fair...i demand for fair, by seeking vengeance...if i find the truth and its ugly, rmbr that i'll hunt you down and get my revenge...

2010-03-22T00:27:00.001+08:00

someone please teach me how to hate...coz i want to hate rite now...let me hate...

automatic-tokio hotel

2010-03-20T19:50:00.000+08:00

Automatic
Automatic

You're automatic,
And your heart's like an engine
I die with every beat
You're automatic,
And your voice is electric
Why do I still believe?

It's automatic
Everywhere in your letter
A lie that makes me bleed
It's automatic
When you say things get better
But they never...

There's no real love in you
There's no real love in you
There's no real love in you
Why do I keep loving you

It's automatic,
Counting cars on a crossroad
They come and go like you
It's automatic,
Watching faces I don't know
Erase the face of you

It's automatic
Systematic
So traumatic
You're automatic

There's no real love in you
There's no real love in you
There's no real love in you
Why do I keep loving you

Automatic
Automatic
Automatic
Automatic

Each step you make
Each breath you take
Your heart. Your soul.
Remote-controlled
This life is so sick
You're automatic to me

(Love in you)
(Love in you)
There's no real love in you
There's no real love in you

There's no real love in you
There's no real love in you
There's no real love in you
Why do I keep loving you?

Automatic
(There's no real)
Automatic
(Love in you)
Automatic
(Why do I)
Automatic
(Keep loving you?)
Automatic...

2010-03-18T00:27:00.002+08:00

im scared to fall in love again...or its more like im scared of being a replacement...for a guy who i know, that he is worse than me, im way better than he is...i dunno wats goin on...am i not gud enuf...?haih...at least, when i love a girl, i can make her laugh, see her smiles...just tired of being replacement...

g capek jadi pelarian terus...g tau, g lebih baek...jauh lebih baek daripada laki2 yg ninggalin lu...laki2 yg gak memberikan rasa sayang yang lu mau...ya, setidaknya kalau g sayang sm cewek, g senang liat dia ketawa, buat dia ketawa...g cuma capek, capek jadi pelarian...

2010-03-16T19:09:00.002+08:00

you can explain few feelings correctly...those like happiness, sadness, love, hatred, excited, nervous and so on...but there are also few you cant explain...

last saturday, i had futsal tournament...after i scored and celebrated, i dunno what kind of feeling i experienced when im shooting...of course after i scored, me and my teammates were happy and shouting...but, im talking bout more specific moment...the moment when i was shooting...before i shot, in my head i planned to shoot as hard as i can...i didnt see the goal post, i didnt know the keeper was coming for me, i knew one defender was coming towards me...i was planning to shoot hard...but instead, my leg gave a soft kick...the ball passed keeper through his armpit...at that moment, everything seemed very slow, no one was going to clear the ball, i saw the ball going in to the net...when the referee blew the whistle, we all shouted...

i know i scored goals before, but in tournament i dont score much coz im not a striker, im more like a passer and goal provider as well as the playmaker...but that day, i have decided to shoot hard but my leg kicked soft...believe or not, my body moved by itself...
actually i experienced this before, when im dribbling the ball, i'll have scenes about goals that will be created, whether i shoot the ball, i pass or another breathtaking play...but when im alone facing the keeper with pressure from opponent's defender, thats quite new...

i wanna know, is that how they feel...?when torres, villa, gilardino, rooney and other international strikers score,is that what they feel...?i dunno how to explain this feelng, its not happy, certainly not sad, maybe excited, but i know its completely different...i know one thing for sure though, the feeling is addictive...its football or futsal, the 'heat' of the games make you excited, and you can do the impossible here, its proven...i wanna feel it again, im addicted to it...

afterlife-sevenfold

2010-03-09T23:05:00.001+08:00

Like walking into a dream
So unlike what you've seen
So unsure but it seems
'Cause we've been waiting for you

Fallen into this place
Just giving you a small taste
Of your afterlife here so stay
You'll be back here soon anyway

I see a distant light
But girl, this can't be right
Such a surreal place to see
So how did this come to be, arrived too early?

And when I think of all the places
I just don't belong
I've come to grips with life
And realize this is going too far

I don't belong here, we gotta move on, dear
Escape from this afterlife
?Cause this time I'm right to move on and on
Far away from here

A place of hope and no pain
Perfect skies with no rain
Can leave this place but refrain
'Cause we've been waiting for you

Fallen into this place
Just giving you a small taste
Of your afterlife here so stay
You'll be back here soon anyway

This peace on earth's not right
(With my back against the wall)
No pain or sign of time
(I'm much too young to fall)

So out of place don't wanna stay
I feel wrong and that's my sign
I've made up my mind

Give me your hand
But realize I just wanna say goodbye
Please understand I have to leave
And carry on my own life

I don't belong here, I gotta move on, dear
Escape from this afterlife
Cause this time I'm right to move on and on
Far away from here

Got nothing against you
And surely I'll miss you
This place full of peace and light
And I?d hope you might
Take me back inside when the time is right

Loved ones back home all crying
'Cause they're already missing me
I pray by the grace of God
That there's somebody listening

Give me a chance to be that person I wanna be
(I am unbroken, I?m choking on this ecstasy)
Oh Lord, I'll try so hard but You gotta let go of me
(Unbreak me, unchain me, I need another chance to live)

I don't belong here, I gotta move on, dear
Escape from this afterlife
Cause this time I'm right to move on and on
Far away from here

Got nothing against you
And surely I'll miss you
This place full of peace and light
And I'd hope you might
Take me back inside when the time is right

fear or just being too worried...?

2010-03-09T13:48:00.002+08:00

my mom always says that shes afraid i inherited her heart disease..i wasnt scared of it...but then, i started to concern...what if its true...?it scares me...i feel my body is weird...my stomach aches, i feel smthg wrong with my kidneys...and this is the part that scares me, i feel like a needle is pierce into my heart...it doesnt happen everytime, but smtms i feels freaking pain...damn pain...when i inhale, smtms the pain is there but smtms it isnt...mom keeps asking me to check up...i dont want..at first i thought its ony waste of time and money, coz im sure nthg has affected my body...but what if smthg has...?damn...

from the other angle of view, im just being over worried...but, if i look at my family's line, both mom and dad have different diseases...well, the one is confirmed is that i have high blood pressure from my dad's side, i feel dizzy and pain at the back of my neck...so, theres a chance that it might get worse and also disease from mom's side. like heart disease and diabetes...weird thing is i still can play futsal, so it came to conclusion that i have no heart disease...

overall conclusion, i need to see whats gonna happen...

2010-03-05T15:30:00.002+08:00

from the lowest abyss...to the highest peak...
when sun feels like is not going to rise...when foods taste tasteless...
from the beginning of my age...until the end of my life...
i dont know how much we have been through...but i know one thing, i always know you are with me...we are always together...

nothing can beat you in this life...well, maybe my future wife can beat you someday...but we have promise we have to keep it...right right...hahaha...

i know family comes first, but mom and dad...kiki and sansan (my siblings)...i dont miss you like i miss them...my family often come here...its gud to have you...but they all understand me the most...

when ppl keep trying to tell me what to do...you try to find a much better solution...you ask me to do...you dont tell me what to do...you dont put me in danger...you keep me from doing bad things...i almost smoke marijuana if one of you didnt warn me...well, we always keep each other alive...

i still rmbr time we spent together...stayed up till 4 a.m at hospital coz a freaking accidents...we used to rock our hometown together...went back at 2 in the morning coz the motorcycle's tires pancit...hahahahaha...

you are the only ppl who i wont mind to disturb...i dont cry for my family as they are far away...i cry for you..you deserve my tears...hahahaha...i was kinda surprised when one of you cried when i left to malaysia...hahahaha...

life is worthless guys...you, my friends, my future wife and of course my family...are the reason why my life will be priceless...

we promised when we were in primary school, keeping it in junior high school, still continuing in high school...even now, you are still the best...when month of july comes, we will be reunited...hehehehehe...

to dennis : oi you bastard...how long we know each other...?16 years man...and counting...you are the ony person my parents cant stop be from befriending...ppl see you as bad person, i see you as the one who completes me...we need each other man...dont run away when i get married, you'll be the best man in my wedding...hahaha...and also, be gud to my children coz you are their godfather(not happened yet, but it will be)...you are the best, man...

to robby : oh my God...you are the worst asshole i ever met...hahahahaha...you dont really talk when im having problem...you joke..hahaha...and those jokes..damn, cant stop laughing when rmbring it...hahaha...you, my black friend though you are not negro but you are black, the friend who can make me laugh when im fucking down...real down...you two will be one of my best men...hehehehe...

to aditya : hahahaha...thank you for teaching me football...i can beat you now...im more skillful than you are now...hahaha...you can distract me with football, man...one of the best thing ever happened in my life...

to marco : oi, sanak...hahaha...i dunno wat to say bout you...you yourself are making ppl speechless when you talk...hahahha...my milanisti mate...once milanisti forever milanisti, are we not...?hahaha...

to rio : fattas...you are so annoying smtms...but when you listen to me..i cant find anyone better...hahahahahaha...thanks for taking care of me...despite we've been in fight...we forget it...i thank you for that...

to ferdian : you are my family...in-law la...but you too know how to distract me...hahaha...you and marco...no one can beat you stupidity...hahaha...you are always sarcastic to me...but i know its for my own gud...thank mate...

you, my bastards...are the best thing that ever happened in my life so far...i want to include someone else, but the person will be mentioned one day...

we are friends forever...no, more than friends, we are brothers...and brothers dont abandon each other...hahahahahaha...anyone else can say they know me when they dont...but 6 of you, you really know me when i dont even know myself...i trust you with my life...

dennis, i know you since we were 3 years old...how i can rmbr that...?i dunno...i just can feel it...
robby, aditya and marco...we are friends since we were 6 years old, i still rmbr 5 of us sat at the back of the class and the same class from primary 1 to 6...hahahaha...
rio and ferdian...i dont care how many years we know each other...but you 2 are still my brothers...

7 of us, we'll be joined again this july...we shall rock the town...drive to end of border...have fun together and shall not forget it...hahahaha...

you cant choose your family...you will choose you partner...but friends, they are there, you dont choose who you befriend with...but, knowing all of you, this is the decision that i wont regret...

i thank Jesus for having you in my life, we are different in race and religion, but we respect each other...we love each other...

for being there with me, i thank all of you...

seize the day - avenged sevenfold

2010-03-02T21:04:00.005+08:00

seize the day

Seize the day or die regretting the time you lost
It's empty and cold without you here, too many people to ache over

I see my vision burn, I feel my memories fade with time
But I'm too young to worry
These's streets we traveled on will undergo our same lost past

I found you here, now please just stay for a while
I can move on with you around
I hand you my mortal life, but will it be forever?
I'll do anything for a smile, holding you 'til our time is done
We both know the day will come, but I don't want to leave you

I see my vision burn, I feel my memories fade with time
But I'm too young to worry
(a melody, a memory, or just one PICTURE)

Seize the day or die regretting the time you lost
It's empty and cold without you here, too many people to ache over

Newborn life replacing all of us, changing this fable we live in
No longer needed here so where do we go?
Will you take a journey tonight, follow me past the walls of death?
But girl, what if there is no eternal life?

I see my vision burn, I feel my memories fade with time
But I'm too young to worry
(a melody, a memory, or just one PICTURE)

Seize the day or die regretting the time You lost
It's empty and cold without you here, too many people to ache over
Trials in life, questions of us existing here
Don't wanna die alone without you here
Please tell me what we have is real

(guitar solo)

So what if I never hold you, yeah, or kiss your lips again? Whooooah
So I never want to leave you and the memories OF us to see
I beg don't leave me

Seize the day or die regretting the time You lost
It's empty and cold without you here, too many people to ache over
Trials in life, questions of us existing here
Don't wanna die alone without you here
Please tell me what we have is real

(Silence, you lost me-- no chance for one more day)
(Silence, you lost me-- no chance for one more day)
(I stand here alone
Falling away from you, no chance to get back home) x2

(Silence, you lost me-- no chance for one more day)
(Silence, you lost me-- no chance for one more day)

this song from avenged sevenfold is the saddest song from them...a metal rock band performing sad, love and metal song here...if you watch the video, it too is sad...think twice when you wanna do smthg...especially when it involves your loved ones...i have think many times...and i wish to seize the days when i was laughing with her...

check the video here
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wA8m0i67O_c&feature=related

2010-03-01T18:14:00.002+08:00

my friend asked,"are you regretting and happy with what you did...?"
i stared at him..."of your im regretting....and i am not happy...but that was the choice left for me..."

i know its only been few days since i said good bye...but i tell you, i really wanna look back...i really wanna say that i love you and wanna stay with you...but i know i cant...if i looked, would you look down at me...?if yes, then i better dont turn back...im a hypocrite...sometimes i just wanna say,"f*ck my pride...i love you and let me stay wif you..."but i cant do that...all these times i told you im a man of dignity, pride and my words...

i did regret saying goodbye to you...it is not the best choice...but it is the choice i have to take...today i saw you smiling and laughing...good...i know i wanna share those smiles...i cant from now onwards...but letting you go was damn relieving...deep inside me i know it was though its hard for me to be away from you...

time will make you forget me...it will also make me love you even more...i guess i have to let the time works...when it is the time, i'll face you and smile...no matter what will happen...

you probably will ask me to keep moving on if i ask you what to do...but seriously...but the hell should i do...?

i didnt ever wanna leave you and let you go...i had to...for the better of us...i know you gave me hardship...i know you gave me difficulties...but you were no burden at all...

i hope you can another man who is more caring than i am...who can put you first in his mind...who can make you laugh more than i could...who wont complain to you...

2010-02-28T13:48:00.002+08:00

you are no burden to me...if only burden means i love you and wanna make you happy...but, besides that you are no burden to me..

im a hypocrite...i said i wouldnt leave you...i would always be by your side...well, i cant do that...

really, watching you crying is the last thing i wanna see...and your smiles, those beautiful smiles on your face, those are one of the best thing have ever happened in my life...

im happy that you said you are happy these days...then i can let you go peacefully...i hope you can stay happy...

we cant be together...how hard i try, you wont be mine...you should know that coz you always ask me to go...thats why i know you are able to let me go...you never really hold me tight...

if you really do love me, you will let me go which i know you will...and if we are meant to be together...then we will be...fate joined us, we didnt know each other, we met, we befriended, we love each other, we have to let go each other...

if fate is to join us together again, it'll be for longer and happier time...that time i will not give you up...

for now, good bye is the path we have to choose...i dont say its the best way, im saying its the way it has to be...true love doesnt end, it is tested to end...

please forget me, you have another one you have to take care...i never expected a beautiful love from you...but you showed me..i thank you for that...

=) =) =) =) =) =) =) =) =) =) =) =) =) =) =) =) =) =) =) =) =) =) =) =) =) =) =) =)

simple plan - i can wait forever

2010-02-27T12:47:00.002+08:00

"I Can Wait Forever"

You look so beautiful today
When you're sitting there it's hard for me to look away
So i try to find the words that i could say
I know distance doesn't matter but you feel so far away
And I cant lie
Every time I leave my heart turns gray
And I want to come back home to see your face
And I
Cause I just cant take it

Another day without you with me
Is like a blade that cuts right through me
But I can wait
I can wait forever
When you call my heart stops beating
When you're gone it wont stop bleeding
But I can wait
I can wait forever

You look so beautiful today
It's like every time I turn around I see your face
The thing I miss the most is waking up next to you
When I look into your eyes, I wish that I could stay
And I cant lie
Every time I leave my heart turns gray
And I want to come back home to see your face
And I
Cause I just cant take it

Another day without you with me
Is like a blade that cuts right through me
But I can wait
I can wait forever
When you call my heart stops beating
When you're gone it wont stop bleeding
But I can wait
I can wait forever

I know it feels like forever
I guess that's just the price I gotta pay
But when I come back home to feel your touch
Makes it better
Till that day
Theres nothing else that I can do
And I just cant take it
I just cant take it

Another day without you with me
Is like a blade that cuts right through me
But i can wait
I can wait forever (I can wait forever)
When you call my heart stops beating
When you're gone it wont stop bleeding
But I can wait
I can wait forever
I can wait forever
I can wait forever...

* Simple Plan - I Can Wait Forever [Official Video] *
Uploaded by _Diel_. - Watch more music videos, in HD!

2010-02-27T01:50:00.002+08:00

fate...if i could meet you, i would ask you one question...why i cant be with her...?we love each other...why are you keeping us apart...?hahaha...but letting her go was a relief...i hope i didnt hurt her...someone is happy of course, coz i have let her go...but letting her go, this time, it is really from my heart...shes happy, so if i leave, it will be peacefully...i hope no one gets hurt...

to you fate, i cant fight you...then give me any clue what im supposed to do...if you are testing us, better it is for a gud reason...you wanna test my love...?i let her go coz i love her...she doesnt want me to suffer...then i wont suffer...but you have taken me away from her, i could be her happiness...i wanna curse..but i have no power to curse...it will just make me commit more sins...but i had power, i would curse...i would curse everyone who doesnt like me and her together...if i only had the power to curse...all of you wont live a happy life...

but i guess i have the right to curse, though i dont have any power to make the curse to come true...

I CURSE YOU...ALL OF YOU WHO DISLIKE ME AND HER TOGETHER...I CURSE YOU...I HOPE ALL OF YOU WONT LIVE ANY HAPPY LIFE...I DIDNT GET MY HAPPINESS WITH HER AND NEITHER DID SHE, I HOPE YOU WONT GET ANY, EITHER...IF WE ARE MEANT TO BE TOGETHER IN THIS LIFE...ALL OF YOU WHO DISLIKE THAT, WILL LIVE SEEING US LIVE A HAPPY LIVE...I CURSE YOU...!!!

heartless grimreaper

2010-02-26T01:12:00.002+08:00

chapter 4 : down in the underworld

"they are coming..." sadness said with harsh voice...,'wait for the lord...the gate...faster...!!'
despair was running down the stairs...,"okok..im coming..." he said with high pitch, a bit scared...
it was the palace of the death...down under the earth...way down..in the underworld...
though it was down under the earth...underworld had its own sky, but it had no blue sky...always black and dark sky...
a light appeared from the sky...it flew down to the gate of the death's palace...it spit into 2 lights...then 2 figures appeared before sadness and despair...
sadness stood firmly as his lord appearing in front of him while despair was shaking as he was afraid of his lord...
"ah..my servants...i guess both of you have been busy...a building just blew up there...and many people are sad and in despair...thanks to our new friend here..." death said and smiled as he was pointing at samuel...introducing him to his servants...
"yes my lord...its been a wonderful day for us..has it not...despair..."sadness said..
"ermm...yes it has, my lord..."despair said with a shaky voice...
death grinned...he turned to samuel."samuel, this is underworld..."
samuel looked around...there was no more expression in his face nor his eyes...his eyes were completely black...his lip was closed, making a straight line across his face...
"now samuel, you have just lost you heart...your body is still human..i guess you need to rest..."
"i dont need any rest...just show me the army im gonna lead..."samuel said..
"they can wait...for now, before you continue your rest..let me show you my palace first..."
"i told you i dont need rest...what for you made a deal with me if it is just for you to bring me here and ask me to rest..."
earth shook...the death felt silent...samuel has touched death's madness...
samuel drew his sword...
"i gave you that sword, young man...and in my kingdom no one is against my word...not even my grimreaper..."death said in madness..."i may not have heart like you do..but i expect respect from you..."
samuel sheathed his sword..."very well then, i shall follow your command...but i wont apologize..."
"good enough...now lets enter my palace...sadness...despair.."
both sadness and despair opened the gate for the death and samuel...the palace was like no other palace that ever existed...full of fear...full of scream...full of souls of the dead...smell like the dead...
as they entered the palace, the hall was full of screens...screens that showed all the bad things happened on earth...all sort of crimes and all other sins...samuel could see the news about the building he just destroyed...and then he could see natasha and gabriel...he shivered...
"will you hesitate...?"death asked samuel...
"why will i...?"
"the girl...you love her, dont you...?despite you had lost your heart..."
"i hate her...!i hate them...she betrayed me, gabriel betrayed me...they
lied to me...and nathanael didnt do anything...why would i hesitate...?"
despair was scared of samuel's reaction, he hid behind sadness...sadness himself sweated but kept looking straight to samuel...samuel was angry...
"i hope there'll be no hesitation when you slaughter them..." said the death though he was more like demanded...
"there wont be any..."samuel replied him, looked at the death directly at his eyes...

the next day, death brought samuel to meet his army...army of dead...
he brought samuel to the back of the palace...followed by sadness and despair...
at the back of the palace was a valley...a deep and big one...down the valley, there was a horrible place..it was the place of torturing...torturing the soul of the sinners...
"so...wheres the army...?"asked samuel...
"you are looking at them, my boy..."answered the death...
"i dont get it.."
"all of these sinners...they will be the army...they are being tortured...and when their souls are broken, it is good enough for us to use them..."explained the death...
"all the sinners...all the hatred...they are the ones who will bring down the world..and after that...heaven...and i will lead them..."samuel said as he was looking down at the army of the dead,hatred was really into him..the army that he was going to lead...the army that he was going to lead to destroy the ones he once loved...
"good...thats what i want to hear from my general...6 more months for complete rise of my army..."

few months after that...gabriel and danial were scouting...they were given information that samuel would appear in earth...
"it is past midnight...im not seeing anyone...is the information really true...?"complained gabriel...
"relax kid...they'll be here..."said danial..
"what are they up to...?if samuel really comes here, why dont we just beat him here...?"asked gabriel...
"i dunno what they are up to...but i tell you, im gonna kill whoever appears later..."said danial fiercely...
"we agreed not to kill samuel..we are just gonna beat them up and bring him back with us...whatever you are gonna do...i wont let you..."danial cut his words..
"silent...they are coming..."
the earth shook...it cracked and someone appeared...and it was samuel...
gabriel was shocked when he saw his friend..."what happened to him...?"gabriel gasped...

next up, chapter 5 : story of man named jacques

unholy confessions

2010-02-24T19:41:00.003+08:00

unholy confessions - avenged sevenfold

"I'll try!" she said as he walked away,
"try not to lose you."
Two vibrant hearts could change.
Nothing tears the being more than deception,
unmasked fear.
"I'll be here waiting" tested and secure.

Nothing hurts my world,
just affects the ones around me.
When sin's deep in my blood,
you'll be the one to fall.

"I wish I could be the one,
the one who won't care at all.
But being the one on the stand,
I know the way to go, no one's guiding me.
When time soaked with blood turns its back,
I know it's hard to fall.
Confided in me was your heart.
I know it's hurting you, but it's killing me."

Nothing will last in this life
our time is spent constructing,
now you're perfecting a world... meant to sin.
Constrict your hands around me,
squeeze till I cannot breathe,
this air tastes dead inside me,
contribute to our plague.
Break all your promises,
tear down this steadfast wall,
restraints are useless here,
tasting salvation's near.

AH

Nothing hurts my world,
just affects the ones around me
When sin's deep in my blood,
you'll be the one to fall.

"I wish I could be the one,
the one who won't care at all
But being the one on the stand,
I know the way to go, no one's guiding me.
When time soaked with blood turns its back,
I know it's hard to fall.
Confided in me was your heart.
I know it's hurting you, but it's killing me."

AH!!

ciao...
this song has quite funny meaning inside...
the girl cheated on her boyfren, he found out, then he oso cheated on her...hahaha...but then he couldnt hold that feeling any longer, he loved the girl more than his affair...so he was leaving...the girl, which was still in love with the guy, said that she would try not to lose him...its like at the beginning of the lyrics..hehehe...she still loves him...the guy, heartbroken he was, was not able to hold those feeling of being cheated and so on...he hoped that he wouldnt care bout these things...which means that he hope he did not love her still...but he had have to leave...like the lyrics says...'I know it's hurting you, but it's killing me.'i know how the guy felt in the song...believe me, i felt that too before ( but i didnt not cheat...:P i left...hehehehe...)

this song is recommended for guys who are heartbroken...but do not want to be emo and cry..hahahahahaha...yeah man..i know that feeling, lets just shout, let it out, kick or punch something...HAHAHAHAHAHHAHAA....better than let your tears come. out..or maybe the tears wont come come out...

anyways...few advises for every single guy...DO NOT...rmbr..DO NOT..find a girl who loves another guy...trust me..its the most painful thing...ive been in those kind of things way more than you can tell...seeing her smiling wif other boy just will make you tortured...DO NOT think that you are strong enuf to not be wif the girl you love though she oso loves you...sometimes there are things in your way...unless you are not strong...i highly recommend DO NOT continue your fight...would be in waste...but there are still ppl who are like that though..name ME...hehehehe....yeap...i still am in love wif the same girl for the past 6 months i guess...and shes still not mine...hehehehe...i told her that our time will come...though i know the truth...hahaha...but i will try to change the truth...hahaha...unless her love is fading away...theres no reason for me to let her go...i just hope she understands...and has will to do it...nyehehehe...

2010-02-14T01:43:00.001+08:00

happy chinese new year...im considering myself as a chinese for today...hahaha...and VALENTINE's day...alone again this year...hahahaha...but never mind...

HONEY, I LOVE YOU...HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY...though these few weeks were really bad for us...i am sorry...and you know that I LOVE YOU, HONEY...

dear God-avenged sevenfold

2010-02-10T16:22:00.000+08:00

Dear God

A lonely road, crossed another cold state line
Miles away from those I love
Hope is hard to find
While I recall all the words you spoke to me
Can't help but wish that I was there
And where I'd love to be, oh yeah

Dear God the only thing I ask of you
Is to hold her when I'm not around
When I'm much too far away
We all need that person who can be true to you
But I left her when I found her
And now I wish I'd stayed
'Cause I'm lonely and I'm tired
I'm missing you again, oh no
Once again

There's nothing here for me on this barren road
There's no one here while the city sleeps
And all the shops are closed
Can't help but think of the times I've had with you
Pictures and some memories will have to help me through, oh yeah

Dear God the only thing I ask of you is
To hold her when I'm not around,
When I'm much too far away
We all need that person who can be true to you
I left her when I found her
And now I wish I'd stayed
'Cause I'm lonely and I'm tired
I'm missing you again oh no
Once again

Some search, never finding a way
Before long, they waste away
I found you, something told me to stay
I gave in, to selfish ways
And how I miss someone to hold
When hope begins to fade...

A lonely road, crossed another cold state line
Miles away from those I love
Hope is hard to find

Dear God the only thing I ask of you is
To hold her when I'm not around,
When I'm much too far away
We all need the person who can be true to you
I left her when I found her
And now I wish I'd stayed
'Cause I'm lonely and I'm tired
I'm missing you again oh no
Once again

2010-02-09T22:40:00.002+08:00

hehehehheehe....for this past few weeks...i havent been soooooooooooo happy...enuf trouble for 3 weeks...time for my love...FOOTBALL...!!!hahahaahaha...okla...its the THING i love the most...not SOMEONE...hahahahhaa....
i scored 6 goals...5 assists...and few numbers of nice plays...i was damn happy..!!never been like this for about a month...screw and f*ck all the problems...i wanna play..i wanna run...i wanna feel the touch of the football...hehehehehe....

but i realize smthg...hehehe...i guess i better stop smoking...i lost my stamina quite fast...after 4 mini games i was already exhausted...hahahaha...i used to play 5 mini games of 7 mins nonstop...and not drinking...im not showing off,ok...just telling how decreased my great stamina...hahahaha...but it was good...the game i mean...hehehehe...
gotta stop filling my lungs with CO like chem teacher said that CO can replace oxygen in haemoglobin...hahhaahahha....

im tired...my hip is nagging to rest...my legs dont wanna walk...but im damn freaking happy...hahahahaha.....

SCREW AND F*CK THE PROBLEMS...WHEN I COME TO THE FIELD...I WANNA TAKE ALL YOUR BREATHS AWAY...hahahahaha...

2010-02-07T11:59:00.002+08:00

how can i say it better...?coz those 3 words are the best way to say it...
i am selfish...even sometimes i cant control my emotion...i cant stop you from thinking negatively about me...but only those 3 words are left for me to say to you...
there is no point of being sorry, coz i have said it...and whatever the consequences will be given..i'll take it...
everything that i did...bad and good...every thought you may be thinking about me right now...and the fact that you hear these words too much...i cant stop telling you...

'I LOVE YOU'

2010-02-05T15:19:00.002+08:00

i dunno how to start this post...too many things i wanna let out in this post...but i guess those who will read this will say,'aiya...this topic again..'
so sorry..but this is the only place i can let everything out...besides talking to my frens...actually, the closest fren of mine here wont want to listen, he had enuf, i guess...my other BBFs arent here..they are in indonesia...cant talk to them...need a so-called-reunion session...

anyways...one of my fren told me that when im wif my crush or love if i reach that state, i shouldnt show her i am strong..i need to be seen weak once in a while...he said,'dont show her that you are strong...that you can move on very fast when she leaves you...show her you can die when shes gone...'
it made me think...if i did that, will the girl i love love me back...?or she'll just stay for the sake of keeping me alive...will you be able to be wif someone you love but forced to love you like that...?i dont want smthg like that...i want her to love me for who i am..not someone who stays just for 'keeping' me alive...if she does that, i guess she better leaves...or i leave...whichever is more likely to happen...coz if she stays, she'll just step on my pride...and i do have pride...but i do know some guys who 'threaten' their GF like that...or smtms their ex-GF if they dont want them to leave...

i guess the main point of me writing this down is that i cant keep me to myself anymore...(from now it will appear that i am talking to someone)...i know i said it once...that it appears that you keep hurting me for not hurting him...i got it...i understand...im happy enuf...coz you said you love me...

but, let me tell you what i see from my point of view clearer...you said you are jealous when i talk to other girls...i do talk to them but I DO NOT FLIRT...I LOVE YOU...and you keep saying,'what can i do? it hurts but i have to hold it.'I LOVE YOU, hurting you wont show my love to you...what for i hurt someone i love....?so i reduced my talkings to other girls...BUT, dont you know...you kinda do the same...my heart is aching...you keep telling me to move on since im hurt...it just hurts me more...i told you, let me suffer with you...

and then...you said our time isnt enuf...we didnt talk like we used to...and you want to spend more time with me...believe me, I WANT THE SAME too...i try to talk to you more...but everytime theres always someone else whos talking to you first...and when im goin to talk to you, you somehow 'get away'...and you said we should stay back everyday...coz i disappear after coll...i stay back, honey...you are the one who straight away goes back...everytime i ask you to talk after coll...you again manage to 'get away'...when i dont talk to you, you say im angry...that im leaving you...i keep quiet DOES NOT MEAN I AM ANGRY...

we dont talk face to face often these days...so i make this post like we are talking face to face if you are reading this...i am not angry...just wanna say it out like our usual great talk...

its unbelievable...its just unbelievable...what you are doing rite now...i am stunned...dunno what to say...i am not angry...i just cant believe this thing that is going on...its just unbelievable...

this one also i said it once...but the thing is...it keeps making me doubt you...or rather should i say, you keep making me doubt you...and i am fighting for us all by myself...i realized, when you are down or alone, most of the time i'll be there for you...without you asking me i'll be there...but when i am down or alone...i need to find time to talk to you...smtms you are just dont know or dont feel that smthg is up...

i know i shouldnt be and am not saying this...its like hinting you...which is i know you dont like...but i dont wanna tell you...coz i want you to realize and understand my condition yourself...i dont like to force you...but you seem not realizing it...i need to tell you then you start to move...i hope you realize it someday.....

ok...i wanna say few inappropriate things to say here...

to the guy i dont like : first of all, you are a disgrace to male population...i know you have problems...BUT YOU ARE A MAN...YOU HAVE P*N*S...you should be able to think rationally...and learn to face the truth..may be i dont know how you feel bout some problems..but most of it, believe it, i've been through it..worse...and i am still here...living and never ever thought of cutting my artery...or hanging myself...be stronger...u are not the only one with problems...though some of your problem is worse...BUT YOU ARE A MAN...be strong..!!!!and say you dont like me too...dont tell me im a gud guy in front of me...but say i am a bad guy behind my back...just tell me you dont like me...

to ppl who think they know everything : think back..i got my reasons for being like this...but i guess i got no right to say it...i guess you can think what you wanna think bout me..im used to it...but i hope when you all know the truth, you have courage to talk to me...

to the GIRL I LOVE A.K.A HONEY : I LOVE YOU...but after you read this post, i wont stop you from hating me...you have the right to hate me...to be angry...but please, when you think of leaving me or letting me go...think back...you really want me to go away and leave, put you in more sadness and misery...?I LOVE YOU...

fuh...i just said it here...maybe when i am really gone, she'll be happy...or maybe when i am really gone, she'll realize how much we mean for each other...

cant cry coz not sad nor angry...just feeling like saying it...its raining while im tying this...guess sky is crying for me instead of myself cry for me...but again, its just an assumption...and its full of flaws...

cant cry...instead having myself laughing...and i am facing another boring weekend i guess...i think im gonna lament over my life this weekend...

2010-01-26T19:22:00.002+08:00

hmm...God...please make sky cry tomorrow...for i will cry with the sky...
i guess it will be damn nice to have my face covered by sky's tears along with my own...will it not...?

2010-01-24T20:06:00.002+08:00

i guess theres too many thing in my way...i dont know what to do, either...im so sorry...
i'll find a way...maybe now you will stay put...never mind...for now let me do the things ok.. =)
i love you...i'll never stop loving you...i am just a lil bit tired...but i'll get back on track...okok...?dont worry... =)
we cant continue like this, can we...?it wont do any good for any of us...so for now, i'll 'rest'...i wont change..dont worry... =)
its just loving you like this is very tiring...but i wont stop, just resting for a while and i'll continue loving you... =)
like when i play football...i get tired...i rest...eventually i'll continue to play...coz i love football...dont get me wrong...im not comparing you and football(i cant do that, rite... =D)...just to tell you that i love you...=)

2010-01-23T23:21:00.002+08:00

i still remember that day
when you came to my life
couldnt take my eyes away
from you, who was so beauty

and so, i tried to find out
find out who you are
many months have been brought
you were all mine

but, was i really in your heart...?
you tended to never see me around you
or was i not good enough for you...?

when i said that i love you
it was pure, the love that i meant
i didnt care what they say about you
it was pure, the love that i meant
then i knew, it was only illusion
but every time you hurt me
in the end, i hurt you more than anything
i found, loved, hurt and lost you

we had good times together
things went quite well
but separated, we were
everytime my heart just swelled

you were my longest waiting
yet you didnt stay that long
but for sure i know one thing
that you were once in my heart

but, was i really in your heart...?
you tended to never see me around you
or was i not good enough for you...?

when i said that i love you
it was pure, the love that i meant
i didnt care what they say about you
it was pure, the love that i meant
then i knew, it was only illusion
but every time you hurt me
in the end, i hurt you more than anything
i found, loved, hurt and lost you

forgive me for leaving you all alone
it was all the best for us, in my mind
never knew what you were going through
i was too selfish to care about you

and when i wish to care, it was already too late
we werent meant for each other nor for do or die

when i said that i love you
it was pure, the love that i meant
i didnt care what they say about you
it was pure, the love that i meant
then i knew, it was only illusion
but every time you hurt me
in the end, i hurt you more than anything
i found, loved, hurt and lost you

i found, loved, hurt and lost you

i found, loved, hurt and lost you

i found, loved, hurt and lost you

it was too late, i know, but i just wanna apologize

i found, loved, hurt and lost you...

2010-01-16T05:20:00.003+08:00

when i see his name, his face even his hair...i'll lose my gud mood and start to be pissed...hahahahahaa...what a situation i am having...can i learn how to hate...?coz apparently disliking is not gud enuf...hahahahaha...should i say sorry for 'coming' to your life and 'ruining' your days...?HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA....what a good f*cking joke...ya ya ya, just blame me...isnt your life is 'ruined' coz of me...?HAHAHA...but after all...i really am a good guy to you...in front of me you say that at least...

HAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHHAAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA......what a joke...

2009-12-17T03:17:00.000+08:00

the moon is so bright...
can you see it there, how bright it is...
we are separated by distance...
can you tell me, how bright it is...

if each day in my life is lyrics to a song...
it would be a nice song, having you here with me...
then, when the day without you with me...
it would be a song of me missing you around...

i keep telling myself, that i'll meet you again...
and i know that i will...coz nothing or no one will stop be from being near from you...

what is this feeling...?
torturing, hurting and killing me from inside...
real menace to make me suffer...
all the madness that is driving me mad...
but i know one thing for sure...
that it will not beat me...
that no matter how hard it tries, it will always fail...

coz honey...though time and distance are upon us...
thinking of you in the beginning and the end of my day, will help me survive...
coz honey...nothing can compare everything about you...
remembering your smiles and your laughter, will make me smile even brighter...

the moon is so bright tonite...as im seeing the moon..
can you see how bright it is...
we are far apart by distance...as im seeing he moon...
can you tell me how bright it is...

i know you can...
when you see it and when you tell me how bright it is...
we are only separated by distance...
our hearts will never be...and will always be as one...

honey, you are here with me...and i am there with you...

2009-12-15T13:04:00.002+08:00

ciao...
sorry guys..for not updating my blog for 3 weeks...and about chapter 4, its abit hard for me to write it..i guess im still having writer's block..hahaha...

anyways, hols had started..and its 1 weeks already...and im stuck here with my passport is still wif taylor's IO...yeap, cant go back yet...hehehehehe...and most of my frens went back to their hometown, so its kinda boring here...

i am missing PADANG, MY CRAZY FAMILY, MY BASTARDS A.K.A MY BEST FRENS IN PADANG, WITHOUTCH, INDONESIANS IN TAYLOR'S....PE 6.5...AND HER...keep telling myself its only 4 weeks before im gonna meet her again, so yeap..its only 4 weeks...and we are only separated by distance...eventhough i dunno how many hundreds or thousands kms...hehehe...im gonna miss her the whole hols... TT

this is it for now...i'll see you when i see you...and please bear wif me for chapter 4...
HAHAHAHAHAHA.....

heartless grimreaper

2009-11-23T20:51:00.004+08:00

chapter 3 : heaven sent them

gabriel and natasha went back to gabriel's place. nathanael was still sitting down and reading his book. natasha was still crying, she has lost someone who loved her with all his heart and left by someone who gave her happiness which easily fades away. while gabriel stunned, his bestfriend just killed people, and how was he gonna tell nathan...?how would nathan react...?three of them have been together since samuel came to orphanage..still, he must tell nathanael...this nonsense had gone far enough...

"whats with the faces...?"nathanael asked."why are yo crying, sha...?and wheres sammy...?
"nath, when i tell you this..try to control yourself..."gabriel prepared to tell nathanael..
after a few minutes of explanation, gabriel expected nathanael to shout or scream, but instead, he just sat and continued reading.
"nath, what are you doing...?our friend has just been a mad man and a living dead, and if what that freaky old man said is true, samuel is going to lead an army of living deads too...and you are just sitting there and reading your useless book."gabriel was completely filled with anger and emotion.
"shht..."was just nathanael's reply. he turned the pages on the book few times, looked like he was finding something.
"see this book...?its called the death's. i bought it few days back in the night market at the center of the city...this book is about a myth that tells death's will of conquering the world. it tells exactly the same as you just told me..death cant lead his army to this world by himself, he needs someone from this world to connect them. and according to this book too, that someone must be really betrayed and hates this world so bad...and if we look at samuel's life..that would be perfect for death, and death must have followed samuel his whole life..."explained nathanael.
gabriel and natasha fell in silence. if the book was true, then what could they do...?
"you remember who sold the book to you, nath...?"asked gabriel.
"of course.."answered nathanael."so..are we goin to meet the man who sold me this book...?"
"yeap...tomorrow we are goin to city center, and find him...we will do something about this...and find a way to bring samuel back..."said gabriel.
"tomorrow...?why not now...?"natasha said, still in tears.
"because, our dear natasha. we need to rest and think of what has happened...what we have done to our loved one..."

and so, they spent the night resting and thinking of what happened. natasha stayed over their house. both her and gabriel thought how could they betray someone who loves them so much and found that actually, deep inside their hearts, they loved samuel too. while those two falling asleep, nathanael kept thinking and regretting. regretting for not doing something to his bestfriends, regretting for staying put, regretting for being so ignorant to people he loved, people who were left only for him, people who were his family. that night, he cried in his room,and that night, he promised to himself not to lose his loved ones. he thought, whatever will happen, he will bring samuel back and four of them will live a better future...hopefully...

night market was as busy as it has been. natasha, gabriel and nathanael were searching for the man who sold the death's to nathanael."there he is.."nathanael pointed at some old man, looked very wise and full of misery of life.

"evening, sir.."greeted nathanael.
"ahh...young man, how did you find the book...?interesting enough...?"the old man said with a warm smile.
"yes sir, but something strange has happened and i think it has to do with the book."said nathanael.
"is that so...?tell you something, i sensed that something is up. our beautiful garden got a hole now. and yes, i think it has something to do with the death's. and tell you one secret. i think the death himself had come and found his second man in command..."told the old man. the way he spoke was very calming. you would think that he was giving craps.
"its true, the man is our friend and her fiance."said gabriel.
the old man smiled.
"hmm..meet me at the entrance few more minutes, aite...i'll tell you everything.."said the old man.

few minutes later, the old man came to see them at the entrance of the night market.
"lets go to my place, shall we...im going to introduce you to few of my colleagues..."he smiled...
they followed the old man to his place, but it was nowhere...
"where are we, sir...?"asked nathanael.
"call me jacques..and here is nowhere on earth..."jacques said..
"the where are we...?"asked natasha...
"just say we are on heaven's gate..."jacques smiled again and place where they stood shone..it was the brightest and most beautiful light...some said it was the light of heaven.

"welcome, to my place..hehehe..."
they arrived in a room, and the atmosphere was so warm and calming...
"where is this, jacques...?"asked gabriel."and what is goin on...?please explain, we have been through some trouble.."
"relax, gabriel. your name is arcangel's name..the left hand of God, calm down...this is heaven's door on earth."said jaqcues."now, lets sit down and talk about samuel."
three of them were confused, where were they...?who is this jacques...?and how he knew about them...?

they started to ask jacques about everything.
"death has its own army in the underworld, but he cant lead them to earth. so he needs someone from earth to lead them..."sadi jacques.
"we know that...but why sammy...?"asked natasha.
"samuel, as you all know, has lived a tough life. his parents did not want him, mobs were using him, and when he thought he found his family, two of you betrayed him."jacques said."but, we are not blaming you, are we not..."
"i blame myself...gabriel didnt betray him like i did..."natasha said and started to cry again.
"be strong, natasha. women have to be strong. they may show their tears, but have to be strong when their loved ones are having trouble, so they can calm the men when men cant control themselves."advised jacques.
"jacques, one question..how are we goin to stop them...?"asked nathanael.
"well, we have to defeat samuel. that, i found a little bit challenging as he possesses the power of death himself now..not all, but strong enough...and we defeat him, heaven will know death's plan and will take action on it."
"good, so what is our plan to defeat samuel and bring him back...?"asked gabriel.
"i think you got me wrong, young man. when we defeat him, samuel will die."
three of them were stunned...were they going to lose samuel forever...?
"what do you mean by that...?there must be a way to save samuel...!!"demanded gabriel.
"gabriel..you saw he stabbed his heart, didnt you...?"asked jacques.
gabriel nodded..he started to fill with anger.
"and i believe you did, too, natasha...?"
she nodded, too.
"well, he who stabbed his heart with death's power when his heart already stopped is no longer belonged to this world. he is literally dead now..."jacques explained.

silence was among them for few minutes. and nathanael spoke.
"so, lets say we are going to defeat him...how are we going to do that...?"
"we have to make him feel love again, when he does, his heart will revive and beats again..."said jacques.
"his heart beats again...?then whats the reason he will die...?"asked natasha.
"when his heart beats again, he will turn to ashes. i told you that he is no longer belonged to this world. i am sorry to tell you, but theres no way to bring him back."

the room fell in silence again. but natasha cried again, she couldnt stand to listen to what jacques has said, that she was going to lose samuel forever. then, she made up her mind, if she was going to lose him forever, she must let him go in his human and happy form.

"guys, if we are going to lose him forever, he must get his humanity back. it was our fault he became like this, he didnt deserve that, so we must take this consequence. i said this as a woman who loves him and wants him to be happy when he leaves this world."said natasha.
"yeap. its our fault. we have to accept this."said nathanael.
"your fault, nath..?its more like my fault, i could stop this from happening..."gabriel said in sadness..even he started to cry.
"it is too my fault, gab. i was being ignorant of you guys. way too ignorant.this is the least i can say. i am going to lose my brother, and i'll lose him with him being happy, not regretting having friends like us. so, my brother, are you with me...?"said nathanael in full bravery and way that a man reacts.
"forever, brother. this is our fault that our brother is like this, and we are going to save him from this misery."said gabriel. and the bonds of friendship, brothers and woman who loves her man have brought three of them together to a mission of saving their loved one..
"good, thats what i want to see from all of you.."said jacques.
"so, jacques. whats our plan...?"asked nathanael.
"ohohoho...before that..let me introduce you to some people who you can trust and believe in completing the plan...come here, guys..."called jacques..
the door opened, three men came in. one with a lot of swords, the other was full of explosive and guns, the last one was just a kid.
"meet my colleagues, my team, and my friends."said jacques.
"matthew.."jacques pointed at the swordman. mathew nodded.
"danial.."the gun man. danial was smoking a ciggars..
"and this smart little kid, abraham..."
"HI..!!"greeted abraham.
jacques stood up...
"we too have followed death and his plan on samuel, by heaven's order of course.three of you can say that heaven sent us to do its dirty jobs..."

next up, chapter 4 : down in the underworld

heartless grimreaper

2009-11-21T22:10:00.001+08:00

chapter 2 : how heartless are you ?

samuel shook death's hand. the moment he did that, dark cloud appeared in the sky and a big pressure force gabriel and the other on to the ground...place where samuel and death made their deal was brought few meters down the earth...wind blew hard around the garden...samuel's face showed no expression...though where him and the death stood were brought down..both of them were flying...as their hand were kept together, samuel's hand started to be covered by dark shadow and soon covered his entire body...

"what is going on...?!!" johanness asked...
"how the hell am i supposed to know..!!this doesnt make any sense..at all..!!"shouted gabriel..

then it all suddenly stopped by a light, the brightest one, from where samuel and death made their deal. the place was full of smoke. three of them got up...there was one big hole from where samuel and death stood...
"what has happened here...?"gabriel walked towards the hole...
"gab..wheres sammy...?wheres the strange man...?where are they...?"asked natasha...
"sha, are you ok...?that was crazy..."johanness said in fear of what just happened..."your ex wont do anything stupid rite...?"
"he is not her ex...i think i prefer to say that he is her fiance now..."said gabriel.
natasha cried again...and then she shouted,"samuel..!!where on earth are you..?"
"i am here.." there was a voice from the hole...it was samuel...
samuel walked up from the hole, he appeared from the smoke...he looked full of hatred...
"oi, old man...where are you..?"samuel shouted..his voice was so heavy...
"here, my grimreaper..."death flew up from the hole as well."i have fulfilled my promise..now your heart is no longer beating for you.."
true..samuel's heart had stopped beating but yet he was still breathing and alive...
"HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA......."samuel laughed...it was the worst laughter in the world...

there were people coming towards them...they were johanness's friends...
"oh..lets see...an asshole had called his friends.."said samuel...
"you shut up...i dunno who you really are..but we are gonna show you our mercilessness to you for ruining my night with her..."said johanness."guys take him down..!!"
"hahahahaha....arent you all just gentlemen...?" with one move of his hand, all of johanness's friend were down..
"now, samuel...show me how heartless you are..."said the death.
"yes, my lord.."
within the next few minutes, all of them have experienced hell...
"samuel..stop this..."natasha said with her tears...
samuel looked at her...he stopped his moves...
"whats wrong, son..?arent you heartless...?"death reminded samuel...
with his eyes were still at natasha, he finished off all johanness's friends...they were beheaded...
"NO...!!!gabriel shouted as he was seeing his bestfriend killing...
johanness couldnt speak, natasha was shocked, gabriel punched the ground...
three of them just saw a terrible and horrifying scene...johanness tried to run and hit natasha...
"where are you going..?"gabriel asked him..
"running away of course..you think i wanna die for something stupid..?" said johanness..he was extremely frightened...
"stupid...?what is stupid..?"natasha asked..
"two of you of course...i am not goin to die for you..."johanness said and he ran...
gabriel and natasha were left by johanness...
"hahahahahahaha....what a coward...but thats not important, is it now samuel..?"said the death."now, our last step for you to become real heartless...i want you to stab you dead heart by this sword and take it out of your body..."
death gave samuel a sword. the sword was black in color..it was covered by blood and you can smell blood from it...samuel took the sword and pointed it at his chest..
"sam...dont do that...you dont want to die.."gabriel said...
"sammy...what are you doing...?dont kill yourself...please come back to me..i am sorry...please..."natasha tried to convince samuel..
"hahahahahhaa...dont two of you get it...?i am already dead...my heart doesnt beat anymore...and i no longer need that..."
and he stabbed his dead heart...samuel shone, but it was not a bright light...it was an obscure one...

samuel reappeared before them, with death behind him...his eyes were completely black...there were no longer whites in his eyes...
"good...now, my samuel...kill them for me.."death said and pointed at natasha and gabriel."kill the peolple who hurt you..."
"no, master.."
"why...?are you still in doubt...?do you still love them..?killing those cowards doesnt mean you are really heartless, it only shows that you are merciless.."death questioned his grimreaper...
samuel smile sinisterly."master, i am heartless...but i still know what passion is...and killing them will give me the best passion ever...but i'll save it for the last.."
"but to show you that i am heartless.."samuel closed his eyes and shouted...the moment he shouted, building next to the garden was destroyed...killing people around it..
"i have destroyed it...shall i destroy another building, sir...?"samuel asked..
"that will be unnecessary...i think its enough for now...lets go to the underworld and meet my army..."said the death...
natasha and gabriel were stunned in disbelief and fear...not to mention guilty and sadness...
"yes, master..."samuel looked at them for the last time in that night.."we'll meet again, and when we do...i wont give you any chance to survive.."
then two of them disappeared, leaving those two...
natasha cried and shouted,"SAMUEL...!!"
she has made the man who truly loved him heartless...and gabriel just kept quite...

next up, chapter 3 : heaven sent them

2009-11-19T21:36:00.002+08:00

first time i saw her.i said 'wow...who is she...?' to myself
i couldnt get to know her though, my hands were locked..

few months later, my hands were released...
at the same time, we met for the first time...
but we didnt talk, at all...

i talked to her, first time in my life. or rather i would say i laughed at her...
i saw her laughed, but said to me,"karel, dont be so bad.."
she said my name, she laughed and smiled. and i said to myself 'wow...thank you God for making me be able to enjoy such a joy'

months passed...problems come and go away in her life...and so do they come and go in mine...
we talked to each other...laughed at each other...mocked each other...there was it, problems are temporarily gone...
every time i know she is sad..i asked God,"God, can i do something for her..?"
God didnt say anything, He wants me to find out myself...and so i did...
i can..i am able...

once she asked me to go away and move on...i said to her ,"let me enjoy these moments.."
i wish these moments would last long, till eternity if possible...
the next time, few months after she asked me to go, i said,"would it make you feel better if i go away. if yes, then i'll go..."
but she asked me to stay this time. and i said,"i wont leave you."

and now, she decided to face it all by herself...she doesnt want me to get involved...i told her how could i do that...but yet, she made her mind...
and so, i am leaving...

i think, have i been there...?i might have reached her heart, but i couldnt go in, i coudnt enter...she never let me...
if next time she is ready to open her heart...if i am still here...if theres still a possibility...and its only if...i hope that when she does, it will be for me...but its all only if...

she asked me what is love...i said love is not something you can buy...its something you feel...and you fight for it...

i am sorry if i cant be the usual me..who always makes you laugh...and be there for you...you let me go, and i cant hold you...you made your mind...no matter how hard i fight for you, its already decided...

i dont blame goodbye...nor i blame our meeting...nor fate...nor God...nor us...its just i am stupid to think that these moments of ours will end happily...i am sorry...for everything...for loving you this much...

i dont want to give hopes to myself anymore, if it turns out just false ones for me...the hopes that come from me..not from other people...

you are a girl that worth fighting for...dont ever underestimate yourself...and dont be sorry for this...you are worth fighting for...but i am not worth enough to fight for you...

i am sorry...

i quote these lines from songs, and i give them to you...
'dont cry, you have my heart..at least for the most part' from a little piece of heaven by avenged sevenfold
'so lie to me and tell me that its gonna be alright, i dont mind if you wait before you tear me apart' from lie by david cook
'its all began from a simple crush' from insomnia by craig david

there are few more...but i dont think i could reach that level for now..
'i've put my faith in you' from i've put my faith in you by withoutch, my band
'maybe its true, that i cant live without you, maybe two is better than one' from two is better than one by boys like girls feat taylor swift...
and this one, i really wish i could do as it was written in the song...i wish that if i do it...it'll be for you and you would look back at me one more time...
'i can wait forever' from i can wait forever by simple plan....

again i am sorry...
sorry, sorry and sorry....

and thank you...

grazie, spiacente...i dont want to say this, but something is forcing me to...arrivederci...

io ti amo...ti voglio bene...con speranza per sempre...

last thing to say...i hope this wont fade away just like that...

heartless grimreaper

2009-11-17T21:53:00.004+08:00

chapter 1 : betrayal

it was said that death had his own army, an army that was prepared by himself to conquer earth, secretly and unknown from heaven community. but death himself couldnt lead the army. because he made a deal with heaven not to come to earth for any other business than taking someone's life. yet, the death still managed to find someone from earth to lead his army. how did death's effort affect a man named samuel...?we are about to find out...

samuel was 23 years old. he was an orphan, but not a common one. he was sold by his parents to the mobs when he was 13...an age where a boy faces unstable condition due to puberty...then at age 15, he managed to escape from the mobs..came to the orphanage which he had been spending his life...since he came to that orphanage, his life became better...he had 2 best friends, nathanael and gabriel...he had a girlfriend, natasha, who he loved so much, and so did her...at 23 years old, he got his job... a fine one and gud enough for him to start a family...

"guys, im going to propose her..."samuel said to his friends..
"hmm...thats gud."said nathanael...
"show some happy reaction, please..."samuel said with a bitterness in his voice, but still smiling...
"are you sure, sam...?you are sure about her...?"asked gabriel."is she the girl you really look for...?"
"why is she not..?i have been knowing her for 5 years, almost like i know you guys...except of course you two i know longer...but, yeap...i know its gonna be her...hehehe.."samuel said."why is that, dude..?"
"nothing..i just want you to think carefully and if you think shes the 1 then we'll support you, right, nath...?" gabriel said to nathanael who was enjoying his book..
"hmm..yeap.."he said."and gab...your friend called..whats his name..?erm..johann...?"
"oo...johanness...right..im gonna call him back...so sam...tell us when is the dinner after you propose her...we need free dinner..." gabriel said...
"hahaha...alrite then...im gonna do that tomorrow or 2 days later...hehehhe...im gonna get married guys...!!"samuel said while jumping around...
"yeap...and not only we will have free dinners, we also will have bachelor party..."said nathanael still enjoying his book...

the next day...

samuel was getting ready...he was going to meet natasha without her knowing...
"nath..im goin, ok...wish me luck..."he said as he was leaving...
"alrite, gud luck and buy me some snacks when you are back..."
"ok, BTW, wheres gabriel...?"
"hes out..i dunno where.."nathanael said...still enjoying his book...
"alrite then, bye..."
samuel was out. he took his phone and called natasha...
"yes, sammy..."natasha answered..
"sha, where are you...?"he asked...
"i am outside with my friends...we are at the garden..why..?"
"nothing, i am just asking. are you going home anytime soon...?"samuel asked...
"nope, i suppose...why...?is there something you wanna talk about...?"asked natasha, there was a lil bit of nervousness in her voice...but he didnt notice it as he was too excited to meet her and propose her...
"nothing, i am just outside too buying food for nathan, thought you could accompany me.."he lied..
"oo..sorry honey...my friends asked me first...how about tomorrow..?we havent gone out together for a while now..."she said...
"hmm..that sounds good..alrite then, see yoou tomorrow babe...i'll send you a message later...bye..love you"
"bye..love you, too..."

she is at the garden, he thought...then samuel made his way to the garden...prepared to propose his love one...a few minutes later, he reached the garden...he looked around the garden for natasha...and he found her..not alone, true...but not with her friends...she was with 2 guys....and samuel recognized them...they were gabriel and johanness...and natasha was kissing with johanness...it cant be,samuel thought...and what gabriel was doing..?seeing his bestfriend's girlfriend was kissing with other guy...was that why gabriel asked samuel whether he was sure to propose natasha or not...?

samuel stunned and he shouted,"OI..!!"
three of them were shocked and looked at him...
"sammy..."natasha said...
"sam.."said gabriel."what are you doing here...?"
"sammy..."natasha came closer to samuel..started to cry...johanness just stood and watched the scene...
in disbelief, samuel kept quite...his heart was broken...
"dont come near me..."samuel whispered to natasha...
"sammy, listen..."but samuel shouted...
"stay away from me..!!"
"whats the meaning of this...?i came here to propose you...to tell you that i love you and want you in my life forever.."samuel said and natasha fell in tears as she was hearing this."i wanted it to be a surprise, but, seems like im the one who got a surprise..."
"and you.."he said to gabriel."did you know about all of this...?"
"yes, sam..."
"since when...?"
"6 months a go...she started cheated on you 6 months a go..."gabriel said, he felt guilty for not telling his bset friend about this...
"6 months ,sha.."he said."what did i do wrong till you betrayed me...?"
"nothing, sammy...i love you...but.."samuel cut her sentence and shook his head..
"you dont love me, you loved me...but you dont...hahahahahaha...!!"samuel started to laugh...
"when i was 15, i was abandoned, my parents didnt want me...i found you guys, nath and you, gab...and now i thought i found a girl who really loves me..."he said..
"i do sammy.."cried natasha..
"but now...i am being abandoned again...left and betrayed..."he was laughing and at the same time samuel's tears began to fall...
"i have given my heart to you, natasha...and to you,too gab..i would die for three of you...for natasha, gabriel and nathanael...but yet, 2 of you betrayed me...i dont know about nath...but it seems like i am heartless now...HAHAHAHA...!!!"he turned around and started to walk and shout and laugh like mad person...
"sam..wait.."said gabriel."we can explain this..."
"i dont need you to explain..i only need reason why i deserved this..."samuel said, he kept walking further from them...as they were trying to catch him...
"i am sorry, sammy..you dont deserve this...i am sorry..."natasha said...
"too late...i already got what i dont deserve...and if i really could, i would take out my heart out, literally..."he said...
"are you sure...?"someone in black cloth has come to samuel all in sudden and asked him."are you really sure that you want to take your heart out...?
samuel looked at the stranger."yes, i am sure..."
all of them stayed put...looked very confused...who is this man...?they asked...
then the stranger said,"i can do it for you...but i am telling you...if you take out your heart, you'll be dead...you want that...?"
"nope...i want to live without my heart..."samuel said...
"whats your name son...?"the man in black cloth asked..
"samuel.."
"well samuel...how if i say, you sell your heart to me, you get your life without your heart...but not only you live without a heart...but you will get the power to spread misery and lead my army to conquer this world..lead my army and be as who you want to be."he offered samuel a nonsense deal."you will live as my general and grimreaper...and you can do whatever you want with people in this earth and those who have hurt you...will you do that...?
samuel, he was confused, sad, hurt, angry, and felt betrayed said,"my parents didnt want me, people who i thought loved me betrayed me...all i do is for them...in this body, with this heart...and now i think...why do i need this heart for...?i dont need it anymore..."
"so..its a deal...?"the death smiled evilly and ready to shake samuel's hand...
"sammy...what are you doing...?get away from him.."said natasha...gabriel and johanness just stood in confuse...
samuel didnt listen to her...and then he said,"deal.."

END...
next up, chapter 2 : how heartless are you?

i miss them so much

2009-11-15T21:59:00.004+08:00

ciao...
i wasnt in gud mood these 2 days...hahahahhaa...you may have noticed it...
had dinner which was just 0.3333333333333333333333333333333 of my usual meal....hehehehhehe....and i wanna play futsal sumore...coz if i am pissed, i always play futsal....hehehe..but my teammates are having exam and so am i...so i must wait..

but i couldnt concentrate if its still goin on...i wanna release this thing...so i facebooked and found myself tagged in the pict...i saw wat kind of pict...i saw it and i laughed...pict of me and my best frens...hahahahhahaha....and all my anger was just gone the moment i saw their faces...hahahahhha....

i miss them...i keep remembering things we had...i know i forget bout them sometimes...but i still need them despite the facts that i dont want them to know my probs...hehehehhehe...

they never leave me when i face my probs though i dont always tell them my probs...as i am typing this, my tears fell for the first time since i dunno when the last time i cried, but these are tears of happiness, for God had given me them as my frens...

other than my fam, my frens and my GF(if i had one), these guys are one of the best thing that ever happened in my life...hehehehehhehehe....

i miss them...miss the people i trust with my life...hahahahaa...miss my bastards...hahahahaha...

this is it for now...HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA....!!!

a man's worthless life

2009-11-15T00:28:00.002+08:00

ciao...
hahahahha...i dunno wat to blog today...hehehehe...
but it crossed my mind about someone i am very close with...i understand him the most and so he does to me...hehehehe...but i am afraid that hes going to change...and i dont want that to happen...coz hes the first reason i want to live...hehehehehehehe....
few years ago...he was very strong...every time he got problems...he always kept them to himself..he never told anybody...not his fam or even our friends...but he started to be weaker and weaker...and i think these times hes at his weakest point...i know that ppl say it helps when we talk bout our probs with our closests frens or fams...but not for this guy, hes got his own way to overcome probs which i found work for him until now...hes just like phoenix, a mythological creature which always rebirth after its death....hehehehhee....

the reason i said hes getting weaker coz he started to share his probs with ppl...i know its gud to share..but for him, i prefer he just keeps it ti himself...coz its the person i know...hehehehe...u may want to call me a bad fren, but some things are just fine if u keep it like that...everytime i see him face it by himself, i see one of the strongest person in the world despite wat ppl think of him...

if you look at his life, its really a worthless one...his dream was taken away coz no one encouraged him..he did try..but he found it useless...hes still trying it..with less effort...hahahahaha...but i told you, hes like a phoenix..he 'rebirth' and found new dream...and its as difficult as his previous dream...or maybe more difficult and greater and bigger....hehehehe....he doesnt care bout wat ppl think bout his dream...or wat ppl say bout how impossible it is to reach it coz hes just from a small town...hes not giving up...

but hes getting weaker and weaker...i think he is on his way to his limit...he told me that he would change if it passes his limit...i, too, know that it will pass his limit...he told me, he cant cry even when he really wants to...wat comes out when hes trying is just laugh...and i know hes not playing around...i know him too well....but i dont want him to change...i wanna see him as he was...i just hope that God will give him strength...makes him stronger again...but, tell you 1 thing, despite the facts that hes getting weaker, he is still the strongest person i ever known...hahahahahahhaha.....

looking at his worthless life, i found that everyone's life is the same...but his effort of proving it is worth fighting for shows me that it doesnt matter how your life looks like...its about how you live it...your effort of making it priceless matters....

for you my fren, we know each other too well...and i dont want you to change...even the worst thing happens to you..please dont change...if you do..i dunno wat to do...im gonna lose my direction...you are the reason i live...if you are no more in this world...then i'll be gone too...so please, come back like you used to be...you are just as strong as you have ever been, were, are and will be....

hehehehehehehehe...woohoo...yeah...wee....(arms are up like riding roller coaster....)hahahahahahha....

this it for now...HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.........................!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1

you need me...?or you dont...?

2009-11-13T21:11:00.002+08:00

i remembered first time i saw her...the first day of our college...she was so beautiful that i held my breath...but she was with her boyfriend...what could i do...?nothing at that moment...and then, i entered my class...there she was...sitting alone, without her boyfriend...and there was sadness in her eyes...and so, our college days started....first semester..we didnt talk...didnt talk at all...
but i saw her everyday...i could tell her sadness...but not every time...and when she laughed...she was the most beautiful girl that i ever met...and i said to myself...'i want those smiles in my life'...

second semester...second term...i started talking with her...both of us were given assignment in group of 2...she was my partner...we did in library until night...she went to find some books...but she didnt return to our table...i went after her...and for the first time..i saw her crying...i sighed...
,"what happened...?" i asked her...
she was shocked..and wiped her eyes...,"nothing.." she said...
i knew she was lying...
,"jeanne..i know we barely talk since first semester...but when you are crying, it doesnt mean nothing..." i said."if you have a problem, you better talk to your friends or your parents...."
,"they wont understand..."she said."and they will never understand.."...she leaned on the bookshelf...
and i leaned, too, next to her...i sighed and asked her,"what is it about...?"
she looked at me...and i stared back at her...she told me her problem...it was about her boyfriend...her family wanted her to be with him...and so did her friends...but it was not like she did not love him...but due to his attitude...but she didnt want to tell me what was his problems...
i didnt not force her to tell...but i said to myself..."forget your boyfriend, be my girl instead..."..but i couldnt say it...

next few months...we became very close...she still dated her boyfriend...i didnt complain...we talked everyday...laughed together...what could i ask for more...?nothing...i knew i wanted more..i needed more...but it was just enough for me...at the moment...
i knew...she was happier when she was with me...much more when she was with her boyfriend...and even with her friends...

then one day, we sat at the starbucks...chilling out and releasing tension from exam...
,"okok, can you guess this..?" we were joking, lame ones..."why is a mosquito better than a fly...?
she was thinking...,"ermm...i dunno.."
,"come on, dont give up so fast...guess it...hahahaha..."
,"i really dont know...why is it...?
,;hahahaha...its a lame one,ok...and the answer is, because mosquito can fly but fly can not 'mosquito'...."
she was stunned, giving me a look without expression...then she started to laugh...
,"HAHAHAHAHA...my God, kevin...that was very lame....!!!HAHAHAHHAHA....."
,"HAHAHHAHAHA....!!"
but then, after she laughed, she cried all of sudden...
,"what is it about...?is it about him again...?"i asked...
she nodded...
sigh sigh and sigh...all i could do...in case i havent told you, her boyfriend at that moment was a jerk...he cheated on her few times...caused her to cry...and every time she asked for break up, he would be angry and abusive...well...not too abusive...but then he cried with her...said that he wouldnt do that anymore...but he did that yet again...and yet again..and yet again...
i wanted to say"forget him, be my girl instead.."...but i couldnt say it...
,"what is it this time...?"i asked...
,"he saw us together...and he scolded me...said whether i love him or not..." she said...
he was jealous...of course...but i didnt want to find problem...no, i didnt want to START problem...if he wanted, then i would let him start first and i had my reason to fight back...he was not supposed to think i was afraid of him...
,"so, what are you goin to do now...?if you want me to leave..i'll go..." i said...
,"no...please dont go...i know i shouldnt do this to you...u might have feeling for me...(she got me)...but i dont want you to leave...but i dont want him to go, either...please...stay with me..."more tears fell as she was crying and saying....
i hugged her and whispered,"i am not going anywhere..."
,"i love you, kevin...same like i love him..but i dunno what to do..."she said....
she loved me...more than enough for me...i know every time i saw her with him, she talked about him...my heart would be full of pain...but i didnt these moments to fade away...and i hoped she would be mine someday...

but then, she started to change...not too much, but i felt she was slightly not the same...she always came to me when he made her cried...but when she was happy, she started to keep the distance...my friends gave me theories that said she just came to me when she was sad...and left me when she didnt really need me...

i knew what the said was true... but also knew that she was confused and didnt know the right thing to do...so i just kept the feeling, though it was hurting me...but, i couldnt hold those feelings any longer...i called her, asked her to meet me...not only to tell her my feelings, but also to inform her that i am going overseas...

,"kevin...thankfully you came..i have something to talk.."she said...and i knew what was it about...her boyfriend...
,"jeanne, listen to me first, ok...i am going overseas..."i told her..she was shocked...i admitted the news was very sudden...then i continued,"and i want to know your feelings...towards me and him..."
she started to cry..i did expect that...and for the next few hours...she told me everything...that she kept the distance...that she didnt know the right thing to do...that she couldnt choose...
for me, when i heard that, was the end of our moments...i decided to think that she chose her boyfriend, the guy who gave her sadness and 'so-called-love'...instead of me,who was always there for her...no matter how much pain i felt...it was the end,i said...she cried...as i walked away...she just quarrel with her boyfriend, again...and i just couldnt do anything more at that time...i was so sorry...

i packed my stuffs one night...my phone rang...it was her friend...
,"kevin, jeanne is committing suicide...!!!" her friend told me...
ok, what has happened...?why she wanted to do such thing...?
,"what are you talking...?where is she....?where is her boyfriend...?"
,"she sent a message...her boyfriend just cheated again...and YOU decided to leave her...she is goin to commit suicide....she said she is goin to let herself get hit a car..." her friend said while crying...
the truth was i never said i am goin to leave her...i just said that was the end..but i was not going anywhere...my heart at least...not physically....
,"where is she...?"i asked...
,"what do you care...?we just want to inform..."i cut her sentence...
,"DAMNITT....just tell me where she is...!!!"i shouted on the phone...
she stunned and a moment later told me,"she is in the highway..."
i turned of the call...went out and went to the highway as fast as i could...'i am not gonna lose you.."i thought...

i reached the highway...i saw her...i ran after her...she was very close to the death...i managed to reach her...but i wasnt that lucky...the time i pushed her to the road side was too late for me... was the one who got hit...i lost my consciousness...i was in coma...

,"what have you done to kevin...?!!"one of my friend shouted at her...they were in the hospital...3 of my friends, jeanne and her friends...and her boyfriend...
,"dont shout at my girl...!!"her boyfriend said...
,"you shut up, you f*cking asshole, its my friend who is inside that room...and he is in there because of you and her..."the other friend of mine scolded him."and if you want to settle this, we do it outside..."
her boyfriend fell silent and sat next to her...he tried to hug her, asked my she was sad...
,"you said he was nobody to you..."he said....
,"NOBODY...!!"my first friend shouted again..."he did almost everything for you...didnt expect anything in return...but this is what you gave him...??unbelievable..."
jeanne cried...,"i was confused.."
,'well...as his friends...we all are asking you to leave him...you are giving him hardship than happiness..."said my second friend...
,"thats right.."my third friend said, he was quite most of the times in the hospital...,"we want you to leave him...there are a lot of girls out there for him...but jeanne..its you who he wants...so if he survives, which i believe he will...when he is asking you again...whether you give him or no...please dont make him suffer anymore...."

they kept quite...waiting for the doctor to come out from the room and tell my condition...then the doctor showed up...

,"he cant make it..."the doctor said,"if he keeps like this...his life will be over in the next few months..."
jeanne cried louder...2 of my friends swore and the other one punched the wall...jeanne ran into the room...came to my bed...she looked at me...

,"kevin...open your eyes please...tell me all your lame jokes...please...open your eyes...show me your smiles..."she said,"please, come back to me...i need you...i dont need someone who hurts me, i only need you...i am so sorry for making you like this...thats why you have to wake up and let me love you....please...kevin...i need your laugh and smiles..i want them in my life..."

,"enough, jeanne...he cant listen to you...,"said my third friend....
she whispered, "please kevin...wake up and open your eyes..."
"he wont listen...he is gone for now...,"said the doctor...
the room fell silent...jeanne cried...my friends cried...i wanna come back to them...but i was leaving...forever...

then jeanne shouted,"KEVIN...!!PLEASE, COME BACK TO ME...OPEN YOUR EYES...DONT LEAVE ME...!!"

i opened my eyes...,"i am not goin anywhere..."
everyone in that room was shocked...i was in coma and now i am back...

my friends hugged me, i didnt give a damn about her boyfriend or should i say her ex-boyfriend...
i came out from hospital few days later...jeanne was my girlfriend, finally...and we are now spending our times together and forever...i dont know how long is forever...but as long i am with her, i just hope forever is still forever...because never stops...

'i want those smiles in my life'
'i am not going anywhere...not gonna leave you, unless you ask me to..."
'i love you...'

END...

ciao...enjoy the story, aite...today i wasnt so alive...but managed to write this story...
this is it for now...
HAHAHAHAHAHAHA......!!!

8th november 1991-8th november 2009

2009-11-09T17:24:00.005+08:00

ciao...
my birthday just passed yesterday...it was fun and i received so many wishes...thx a lot guys...however, there are still 2 persons that i want them to wish me...i know that they forgot...hehehehe...but never mind, they will eventually wish me...hahahaha....they are 2 of my best frens...out of 4 of my best frens, 2 already wished me in the way that i expected them to wish...by swearing at me...yeap..my best frens swear at me in my birthday...and i cant expect more...that who they are...hahahhaha...and the other 2, they will wish me....hahahahha....yet, yesterday i was a lil bit disappointed coz someone i hoped could make it to be with me yesterday couldnt make it...but once again, never mind(i am not complaining....hahhahaha...)....the person wished me the most, took the first and the last wishes on the day itself...and wished me again saying happy belated birthday( you know who you are, thx a lot girl)....haahahahhaha....all the wishes...they are more than enuf...really really thx a lot guys....

and so, i had dinner wif my fam and some close frens(my best frens couldnt come coz they are not here)....since i am 18, i asked my dad about the day i was born...i found it funny and extreme....haahhahahaha....

my mum was delivering me, not by surgery, naturally...heheehehe...it must be really painful to bring me here to this world...hahahaha...and my dad was there oso..watching me mum deliver me...it was friday afternoon...my dad told me, he saw my head was coming out...there i was...ready to breathe my first air...hehehehe...my parents just waited for my voice to come out...but then, there was no sound...due to blood, i slipped into my mom's womb....HAHAHAHHAHAHA.....i came back in....!!then, for the second time...the head was out again...and the nurses couldnt pull me out...their hands were slippery due to blood was everywhere...so yeap, i slipped in...again....HAHHAHAHAA....and the third time, the doctor managed to pull me out...and there i was...hheehhehehe...breathing my first air, crying and covered by blood....

when i heard bout this story, i was stunned and moment later i laughed...hahahahhahaha....even to come to this world i needed to face extreme moments...hehehehe...maybe we can say that i face the death even in the very first day of my life...hahhahahaha...well...these 18 years i have faced some freaking moments too...my life is full of heart-beating scenes....hehehehhe...i wan to tell you bout the stories...but it is quite a lot...we have to seat and lepak somewhere for me to tell you the stories..not ony once or twice incidents...hahahahhaha...

i have lived for 18 years...havent seen the whole world...which i want to...been thru some sh*ts which make me know how to appreciate my life...living a happy life...wif this psycho fam...crazy frens...in this mentally freak environment...i thank God for this life...and thank all of you for being part of my life...i am not perfect, pissed some ppl before...but hey...i am a human...and humans do make mistake, do they not...?hahahhahaa....

i am 18 now...for the wishes...for everything...for filling in my life....for making me appreciate my life...i say THANK YOU...and to God and Jesus Christ...i thank you for putting me in this world and giving me strength to fight for myself and ppl i love...THANK YOU...

this is it for now...HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.....!!!

you are my dream

2009-11-04T23:50:00.002+08:00

they looked at each other's eyes...she could sense his feelings...sad, happy, proud and excited all came in 1...she felt a mixed feeling herself...should she be happy or sad....?then she asked him,"are you serious...?". the man nodded...
"i am...but i am not sure about it yet...i want us to decide together..."
"but its all your choice..."said the girl."all these years you've been talking about this..why you want to waste it...?"
"because of you...i dont want to leave you...i love you..."he said.
"i love you too...but this is a once in a life time chance...you may not get it anymore..."she said with a lil bit impatiently."have you talked to your dad...?"
"yeap.."
"and...?what did he say...?"
"he said that i should decide my self...but he thinks that i should take the chance..."
the girl inhaled...then she said,"then you should take it...its your dream...you should take the scholarship...!"
the boy, who was a lil bit angry of his girlfriend asked,"you said you love me but you keep asking me to go...do you want me to leave you...?"
"of course i dont want...its you who i want...more than anything...but what i want more is you who gets to fulfill you dream..."
"really...?it seems like you really want me to be out from your life..."
"no, its not like that...its..."she stopped, couldnt find the right word to tell him...
"it is what..?see..you can even tell me what is that..."he continued,"i should go now...my dad wants to talk to me..."
"honey..please...listen to me first..."but he already left her...

for the past few months since that, they keep arguing about him to take the scholarship...
his dad wanted him to go...she did, too...but she didnt want him to be far away from her...neither did he...and then, he made up his mind...

"i am going next june..."he said to her...
"so you finally decided to take the chance...?"she asked...her eyes started to be wet...
"yeap...it really seems that everyone wants me to go and so do you..."there was a different tone in his voice...
"its not that i want you to leave...please understand that i want the best for you..."her eyes already dropped the tears....
he saw that and made him didnt want to go at all...he just wanted to stay there with her forever....
"i understand that...but know this...eventhough you and i are far apart..."while pointing at his chest he continued,"this heart will always belong to you...and i expect nothing in exchange when i come back other than your heart to be mine..."
"it always is yours, dear..."she said...they looked at each other...knowing that there were only few months to spend together....
"i love you..."he said,"and i'll come back and spend the rest of my days with you..."
"and i you..."
the moon was so bright that night, and under its shadow, they kissed...

june finally came...it was the time for him to leave...he was gone...few weeks she cried for thinking whether letting him go was the best choice or not...although they always contacted each other everyday, she never told him that she cried almost every night...

then one night, when she was crying, her phone rang...she picked it up...and a very familiar voice answered...

"could you please come down...?"it was him...
"why...?what is so important...?"she asked...
"just come down..."he replied...

and she did...she opened the door and she was shocked....he stood right in front her...holding a bucket of roses and a small red box...

"what are you doing here...?"she said, half scream, happy and shocked...
"i decided to come back here..."he said, big smile on his face...
"but why....?"she asked....
"you once told me, that you want me as a person who gets his dream..."and he kneed, opened the red box, there was a ring...then he continued,"and i am that person because my dream is you...so, will you marry me...?"
she was stunned, but with tears started to fall from her eyes and no hesitation, she answered,"i will..."

the moon was so bright, under its shadows, they kissed...

END...

where is the faith...?

2009-11-01T20:06:00.003+08:00

haih....
wheres the faith when two of them said it....?wheres the faith that has given them something that they love...?what for i wrote the lyrics then....?i dedicated the song for them...but these days, faith is just too little among them...if they can not do it for each other's sake...do it for the sake of the people they love...come on...these kind of people are grown up, but they cant think properly in this kind of thing...dont tell me that they are losing to people who are less than half of their age...even the teenagers can handle this thing better than they can...

knowing that she is sad makes me feel worried more than i should...and it is worse when i cant do anything....DAMN....!!hopefully i wont have to deal with this kind of thing...one is just enough for me...what for i need 2 when 1 is actually more than enough...and this thing always comes in incorrect time...

Jesus, help us all and give us strength...for You are my light and in Your name i fight for people i love...

haih...haih...haih....

2009-10-31T01:05:00.002+08:00

call me a fool...
but im in love with you...
say me stupid...
but its all for you...

the sky is turning grey...
and the sun does not rise...
but my love will not die...
and not become any less...

the clouds are crying...
makes you full of misery...
though i am suffering...
wont stop me to make you happy...

time is cycling in round...
for me to find the right one...
many girls around..
but its you who i want....

ciao...
i thought of these while waiting my frens to play futsal...and like i said it, things like these must be kept existed..hahahahaha...
today i played futsal with sore throat...now its killing me...freaking pain...hahahahahha....
hopefully i wont get sick...chem paper 2 and statistics are coming, must be really healthy to face them....hehehhehehe....

this is it for now....HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.......

for fun only

2009-10-29T22:35:00.002+08:00

you eat the food i ate...

you drink the lemon tea i drank...

welcome to salmon steak....

hehehehe....wanted to cheer ppl up...thx to edwin for the salmon steak idea.....

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.....!!!

2009-10-29T19:00:00.003+08:00

i stared at his back. as he walking away from me, i know what was going on. but despite what was going on, i wanted him to give me some attention. few months since we've been assigned together, he never really gave me attention. i admired him so much, his name in this town had been legend and i know he was the one who i should learn from. in order to become a great police, he was the perfect example. yet, his attitude to me was very cold, he even didnt give me a smile, ever.and when we discuss about something, he barely spoke.i was the only one who kept talking and talking, showing my spirit to solve every case. chief told me what happened back then when he has a partner before me...

few years back, when everything started...

i heard he had a partner, a partner that they were so close, people might think they were brothers....
i heard that he laughed and talked very much like his partner did back then. they always were together. if someone was assigned, the other one had to come...
not excluded this case, the case that took away his partner from him...they were assigned together...they said, there were drug dealers every where in this town...and most of them were controlled by mobs...

so, both of them went undercover to bring down these drug dealers and mobs...their plan was just to spying...but it was all messed up...they got caught and while trying to run, he pointed a gun at them and was going to shoot...unfortunately, they got him first and when they were about to shoot him, his partner came and protected him...5 bullets...5 shots...he couldnt survive with those wounds...he died in scene....

since then, he had changed...he kept quite and never really liked a partner...until i came...he was still the same...

back to now...

chief just told us that the mobs and drug dealers that killed his partner were back to track...and he-consumed by revenge- just got out from office without a word...i dunno what was he planning....

chief didnt say anything about who was given the assignment...but i think it was both of us...

then next few days, he got more excited and full of spirit..he didnt smile, but i felt the fire inside him...i never lose someone so important...so i didnt really understand how he felt when vengeance was upon him....

then the day came...

we went undercover, just like what they did. but with had more back ups and better plan....before the operation started he said to me,"hopefully there is no de javu for me...and good luck for you..."

he said it...good luck...for the first time...i kept thinking of those 2 words...we barely talked each other...and maybe i have annoyed him more than i should since i always talked all the times, saying that i wanna be like him...making him my role....

then, operation had started...we managed to catch almost every single mob and drug dealer...but their leader was escaping...i was after him...unluckily for me, he got me...when he almost killed me, there was he...my senior...the one i always admired...shot the guy...but the guy managed to shoot him back, 1 shot right to his chest...i took my gun and fired it to his head...the drug dealer was dead...

i went to my partner...hoping he was ok..but his heart was wounded so bad...he could die anytime soon..i called back ups, asked for ambulance...but he said,"no need, im facing my time now..."

"i deserve this...for unable to save my partner..."he said

he continued."you just look like him...always talk, sometimes annoying...i am sorry that i ignored you all these times...i didnt want to put you in same position as i did to him...because of my carelessness he is gone...and i dont want that to happen to you...."

and with his last breath he said,"i hope you can find a better partner...you can be a great officer..thank you for reminding me of him...good bye.."...and he was gone....

few years after that incident....

i am standing in my office, recalling the past that i dont know to say it a bad or a good memory....i am the chief of the police now...i never had a partner since then...i worked things out my self...and here i am...thank to him...he was, is and always be my hero, my role model and my first and last partner.....

END...

ciao....

chew ling asked me to write tragedy story....so i wrote this...it might not as sad as previous story and its not a love story....but i think its gud enuf..hehehehehe....

so chew ling, when u read...dont cry ar....hahahaahhaha....i know u wont..its not that sad....

i'll think of much more sadder story for next time....hohohoho...

this is it for now....HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.......!!!!!!!!!!!

2009-10-27T23:37:00.003+08:00

i breath the air you breathe
as i do it everyday...i realize, you are the air i breathe....
but when it comes to final days
losing the air i breathe is easier rather than losing you...

watching your tears fall is the last thing i want to happen in my life
watching your smiles on your face is one of the best thing that ever happened in my life...
both of them happen to make my days more colorful in different ways
and for a smile of yours...anything i would do...

i will not leave you and i am not gonna be someone different...
there is no promise to be given to you...
but i'll brighten your days and fill them with happiness....
and i'll fight for you till my last drop of blood is finishing...

what do i really want....?
it is simple, you...though trying to have you is the hardest thing ever...
and accomplish it will make me suffering more and more...
but it is worth it for someone like you and please allow me to have you for the rest of my life....

ciao...
is it like my romantic side came out...?hahahahahha....something like this just appears in sudden and the next time you try to remember...its gone...so..im sitting down in my living room, thought of this and posted it ASAP...cant afford to lose something like this...and to edwin, maybe this can be our next lyrics...?hahahahhahaahha.....

lets compose a song after exam...hehehehehhee.....

this is it for now...HAHAHAHAHAHA....!!!

new hairstyle...?

2009-10-24T22:01:00.002+08:00

ciao...
im thinking of having new hairstyle....hahahahahhaha....having long hair for me now in not that excited anymore....hehehehehe....for those who know me, most of them say that i look like a girl...even peng peng said i look prettier than her...!!xin yi said that, too...dunno wat to say...thank you, pengpeng n xin yi, perhaps...hahahhahaha....

anyways...edwin edy searched some short hairstyle for me...and he said that its better for me to cut like zacky vengeance...avenged sevenfold's guitarist...hahahahha....and i saw it, too...well, i think its nt bad...i actually love long hair n fringe covers my eyes...if i cut them, they still can grow back...so no worry...hehehehhehehe....but still, i want fringe...so i thinks im just gonna cut my fringe not too short but cut short at the back n sides....hehehehhe....i dunno how its gonna look like...if you are curious just google zacky vengeance and you can see the picts...hohohohohoho....

the earliest i cut my hair is on tuesday...the latest is next month...or during my hols and when i go back...hahahahhaha....hope that the hairstylist wont cut my hair wrongly but instead, give me a new look and image...my image now is like an emo boy and manga-ish...lets see how do i look in metal style and a lil bit manga-ish....hahahahahaha.....

this is for now....HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA......!!!!

pertanyaan untuk Tuhan

2009-10-23T23:40:00.004+08:00

ciao...

hari nih g mau blog pake bahasa Indo..g gak mau dy tau n ngerti apa g bakal g tulis...hehehehehehehe......

g bukannya nyalahin Tuhan....cm g pengen tau aj, knapa masalah kyk gni selalu nyamperin g..bukannya g sengaja cari masalah kyk gt dlm hidup g....cm kyknya tuh masalah yg selalu cr g....

tiap kali g kejar 1 cewek n pas g udh terlanjur sayang pasti aj tuh cewek blg dy msh sayang sm mantannya...haih...n g yg pertama kirain tuh cewek available, mlh dikecewain...

nah, cewek yg lg kejar ternyata sama rumitnya...kita yg udh berbagi hal2 yg begitu indah malah skrg ad gangguan...dan ternyata gangguan itu gak laen dan gak bukan adalah mantannya...yg bikin g kesal, tuh mantan udh putusin nih cewek msh aj minta balik....dan si cewek, blg di dpn klo dy udh gak sayang lg sm mantanya mlh ternyata msh sayang sm mantannya, dy yg blg klo dy gak sm kyk gebetan2 g yg dl yg msh sayang sm mantan, ternyata sm munafik nya...g sih gak marah sm dy...g yakin klo dy jg msh sayang sm mantannya...tp yg bikin masalah tambah rumit adalah ternyata dy jg ad feeling sm g....

g prnh blg ke dy, mending g keluar aj dr kehidupan dy, dy yg waktu tu lg nangis gr2 mantannya malah nangis tambah kencang....dan itu membuat tambah gak mau ngelepasin dy...liatin matanya bercucuran air mata bikin hati g bnr2 perih...dan g blg ke dy, g gak minta byk2, cm bs liat dy senyum udh cukup buat g....walaupun g tau sebenarnya g pengen lbh...tp g jg tau klo perasaan tuh gak s dipaksa....skrg g cm bs berharap dy milih g dan g gak janji, tp hari2 dy bakal g isi dengan tawa n kebahagiaan...tp klo dy milih mantannya, g gak bakal kontak dy lg krn g sadar dy bkn milik g...n dy hrs siap2 jalanin hari2nya yg kyk dl...siap2 aj dy hadapin mantannya yg cengeng, tiap hr nangis n dy bakal terpengaruh lg...dan klo itu bnr2 terjadi..tlg jgn cr g lg, krn dy udh tentuin pilihan dy sndr...

g prnh blg ke dy waktu dy nangis, klo g gak bakal ninggalin dy...g mank gak bakla ninggalin dy..cm g bakal gak begitu peduli lg....walaupun g msh sayang sm dy n g udh janji bakal nungguin dy...tp perasaan kyk gni gak bs g tahan lbh jauh...masalh kyk gini udh g laluin terlalu sering....

klo dy blg masalah ini complicated..sebenarnya gak jg...dan klo dy blg dy udh laluin terlalu byk...g bkl ketawa...masalh dy gak ad ap2nya dibandinggin masalh g....masalah dy dan mantannya gak nyampe setengah apa yg udh g laluin...

g msh bs nungguin dy, tp g mulai gak tahan sm feeling ini....g gak mau move on lg...g cm mau dy jd punya g satu-satunya....g cm mau dy liat...klo bkn g yg sedang ninggalin dy....tp dy yg lg kehilangan g...bkn g yg jauhin dy, tp dy yg jauhin g...you are losing a man for a seorg cengeng....

skrg smua tergantung sm dy...apapun keputusan dy, bakal g trima...dy nolak g gak apa2...g msh bs move on.klo dy terima g, g bakal bahagia seumur hidup....hahahahahahahhahaha......

this is it for now....HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHA..................!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

girl of my best friend

2009-10-21T22:58:00.001+08:00

ciao...
i got a gud news few days back...hehehehe...my best friend finally had a GF....WWOOOHHOOOO...!!!he finally got 1....i hope the girl is more than gud for him...coz he's been thru some bad relationship, too....hahahhahahaha....

and to the girl, though i never meet u before, i hope u can take care of him when im not around....
to dennis lianata....congrats to you, you damn bastard...!!!u finally beat me in finding GF....!!!hahahahahahhahahahahaha.....

that is it for now....HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA......!!!!

love you to afterlife

2009-10-19T23:49:00.002+08:00

there was man...who fell for his childhood friend...but she never realized it until they were in high school...but when he made his move for her..none of his friends supported him...they knew that she wasnt the right girl for him...but still, he never gave up...he tried his best to make her fall in love with him...no matter how mush she broke his heart...he still didnt want to give up...despite his friends's advices and facts bout the real her, he still ran for it...

his efforts were not wasted...she was jealous everytime he talked to other girls...as her friends realized that she finally was openning her heart for him, she always said no...she did not want to admit that she was falling for him...but still, her feelings couldnt be held that long...she started to give him more hope and hinted him...she wanted to be very sure that he was the right 1 for her...after many boys that ever be with her...

the peak was when he finnaly asked her face to face...she,with all the feelings for the past months, couldnt bear to say yes to hi anymore...she said yes to him, for she knew that the man who stoog in front of her was her true one, as he knew it, too...so there they were, finally together...he jumped and shouted...let out all his happines coz finally the girl who he had dreamt bout, was his...and deep inside his heart, he knew that she wasnt the girl his friends tought she is...

but, fate never agreed bout the idea of them being together...the night that they were going out together, fate took him away from her...as se was waiting for him, she got a message said that he was hit by a car...he was on his way to her house when a car almost hit a kid who was playing in the middle of the road, he knew that he could save the kid, and he knew that saving the kid would cost his life...but he still saved the kid...

after his funeral, a letter written by him was given to her...in that letter, he said that he never regretted to be in love with her, he never regretted anything when doing his moves for her...he said that he couldnt believe that she finally accepted him as her one and only...at the end of the letter, it was said that he would bring this love to his afterlife....

fate never wanted them to be together in this life...as she regreting for not accepting him earlier, all she did just cry and tried to move on...move on for him didnt want to see her crying and to be sad...but her love for him would never fade away...though other boys might be with her someday, her true love was already given to him...

love you to afterlife....

happy deepavali

2009-10-19T00:31:00.001+08:00

ciao...
thanks to rajji for a wonderful saturday....and thanks to deiva for a splendid sunday evening....

HAPPY DEEPAVALI....

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.....!!!

i've put my faith in you

2009-10-16T00:49:00.002+08:00

i've put my faith in you

i wish you would be mine, forever
i wish i could hold your hands, as the times fades away
i wish you would stay here, here
as the time comes along, my heart will always stay

though i cant be with you
your heart wont be alone
coz you are still my everything

i've put my faith in you
i'll miss you when you are gone
my heart will never leave you
dont you betray our love
it hurts more than you would know
this love will never fail you
coz our story had just begun

i just wanna be with you, whenever
for who you really are, theres nothing i can resist
i'll never forget you, whenever
even you are not here, i can still feel your presence

though we are far apart
you wouldnt feel lonely
coz you are still my everything

i've put my faith in you
i'll miss you when you are gone
my heart will never leave you
dont you betray our love
it hurts more than you would know
this love will never fail you
please listen to me, once again(coz our story had just begun)

though they are on our way
my love cant be beaten
coz you are still my everything

ciao...
this post is bout song that me , wilson and edwin composed together...this song is the simplest song we composed so far...hehehehehhehe.....it was done in just few days...hahahahahhaha....
but to me, this song could have more meaning...since i wrote most of the lyrics...for this post let me share few things, aite...hohohoho....

this song i dedicate to all boys ar girls who just found their couples or love...happy for them, who i know and i dont...hahahhahaha....basically, this song based on my personal experiences...hehehehe...i mixed up all my feelings inside this song...and show the meaning as clear as possible...hohohohoho....its not only bout how painful love can be and how wonderful love really is...i want to show how a simple love can do such a complicated thing...people who have it would do crazy things, both in gud way and bad way....

and to people who dont appreciate love that was given to them, i hope that they realize that eventough they hurt people, the love was actually given to them...and if they blame others, they should think back that people they hurt actually loved them....hahahhaahhaha......

so, for who you REALLY love...dont give up on them...even if sometimes they hurt you, they might not mean it...and if you happen to hurt them, think back and do wat is necessary for their forgiveness....

i couldnt think of gud story, so i just posted this lyric...and thats it for now...
PS: i am posting it at cyber cafe, FTZ to be exact....
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA............!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

what on earth is happening...?

2009-10-12T21:51:00.004+08:00

ciao...
i feel really weird...yesterday i got a message from the person who i know who he is but never talked to him before...hehehehehe...he apologized to me coz made someone cried, someone which is close to me...but he did not anything to me, why would he apologize to me...?weird it is....hohohoho....but theres something in the message that makes me a lil bit strange...the way he writes the message somehow has the power to make me feel that he'll do something crazy...or the worse feeling...im being watched by this guy...hahahahhahahahahhaha.......

he didnt do anything to me, we never talked and he apologized to me....!!seriously man...what is happening..?!!it seriously is scary...but then, after i thought of it and realized that its all very very funny....he could somehow hint me or tell me something indirectly...but for now, it is really funny...i laugh every time i think of it...hahahhahaahhaha....all of sudden he came and apologized...!!!!hahahahahahhahhahahahahaha.....i give my eyebrow technique.....hohohohohoho....

by the way..its my fourth post...i think for the next post, i will post story...my imagination....hehehehhe....but the thing i dunno what story to post...i am not having any inspiration now...if it is not next post..wait and see for the next posts to come, aite....

thats is for now...and seriously...WHAT ON EARTH IS HAPPENING...??!!!HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA......!!!

brothers to death

2009-10-11T23:48:00.003+08:00

ciao...
well, today is a boring day...i didnt do much than browsing, reading and napping...hehehehe...then, out of nowhere, my bro asked me to go out and watch movie...so,we went to pyramid all of sudden and watched sorority row...we were of with my mr. SAGAlardo to pyramid....

after i watched the movie, i realize something bout me n my bro....the movie is bout sorority girls that been thru everything together for life and death...it somehow reminds me bout my childhood with ny bro...we used to fight violently....i remembered 1 time i took knife coz we fought quite bad that time...and i still remembered that he stabbed me with a pen until mom and dad stop us...we grew older, we didnt fight that violent anymore, but we still argued...then i moved here around 3 years ago..and until now, i realize that of all my family members, he is the one that 1 miss the most...i miss times we used to argue...

and when we are together, i find that i have to spend my times with him...coz i dunno when we are gonna meet again...but, that wouldnt be necessary...coz i know that he loves me and i love him...he is a funny boy...since men in our family are funny and crazy ones(yeap, you too dad...hahahahha...), i think i am lucky enoug to be in this family...hehehhehe....

you couldnt choose your family, so appreciate the times you have with them no matter how annoying or how bad they are....and for me, this family i am having, is good enough for me....

to my bro, nicky 'john' dharmawan kosasih, we are brothers to death...

HAHAHAHAHAHAHA.........!!!

title-less

2009-10-11T02:05:00.001+08:00

ciao...
so...few of my family members are here coz of the earthquake in padang....
yesterday, my bro wanted to see a movie(again)...so me, my bro and my cousin went to one utama...we went to watch surrogates which i found it a usual action movie..not really a special one...hohoho....
one the way there and back with my mr. SAGAlardo, we made fun of my parents...yeap me and my bro's parents, our parents...hehehhee....we are such a bad children...

we were imagining how our parents would react if we make them a lil bit unhappy...and we added some 'recipe' to their reactions....it turned out very very funny....hahahahahha....sorry mom and dad...we made fun of you guys...but i bet you 2 would laugh too if you were here...hahahahhhaa....even you mock us too....hohohoho....no offense, but thats the way we show our love...weird but its true....

arrived home, my bro and cousin talked bout our junior highschool teachers and they made fun of them....tsk tsk tsk...they always do that,hopefully they dont do it to me(which i know they do...hahahahahahaha...)and if i find out they make fun of me rite in front of me, i'll gather my powers and make one of their day unforgettable...remember that..!!!HAHAHHAHAA.....

i dont see them often, moments like this cant be wasted... ;)

my first appereance...

2009-10-11T01:04:00.000+08:00

ciao...
this is my first post...and since i have never blogged before, i dunno wat to blog in this post... oso for the next up-coming posts, u may find it boring, lame or funny..but judge it the way u want it, aite.. ;)

this blog is bout my imaginations, stories, problems and things i want to tell or share with you...so, feel free to enjoy them, aite... X)

well, this is it for now....enjoy....

HAHAHAHAHAHA.......